Let's be frank. I don't want to write about this first scene. Why? Because it involves Piper and the Dolt, naked in a steamy shower, making goo-goo noises at each other before they commence with a round of soapy screwing. God, I have to go bathe after typing that sentence. Wait. "Bathe"? More like, "boil the upper three layers of my skin off of my body." Brad Kern, why have you forsaken me? Anyway, because I am so devoted to you, loyal MBTV reader, I will force myself to watch it and rewatch it and watch it once more to provide you with all of the gruesome details you've come to expect from a recap of the WB's signature Thursday night horror series. As opposed to the WB's signature horror series, which might soon become Fox's signature horror series if Jamie Kellner doesn't hand Joss Whedon two million dollars a week. I'm stalling and babbling, I realize. Trust me, what happens in this scene is far more disgusting than anything that follows in the episode. Actually, it's far more disgusting than anything I've seen on this show since Piper tried to have sex with the Dolt on the desk in her office at P3 in "Sight Unseen." I'm still stalling. Okay, then. A shot of Jack. Clench the teeth. Breathe. Here we go: Piper tells the Dolt they've finally found a place in the manor where they can be alone. Because, you know, she can't just lock the door to her goddamn bedroom when she wants to ride the skin bus to Tuna Town with her new husband. She has to tie up the bathroom for God knows how long so she can do God knows what to the feeble frat boy she inexplicably decided to saddle herself with for the rest of her life. Oh, God. I typed "saddle." The Dolt smiles, telling Piper that all they have to do is transfer all of their belongings to the bathroom, and they'll be set. Shut up, Dolt. Just as the two are about to [God help me] start having sex in the shower, Phoebe pounds on the door and enters with a hand over her eyes to search the drawers beneath the vanity for her lip-gloss. Unspeakably rude of her, I realize, but this scene is unspeakable, period, so I'll just keep plowing my way through it. Ack. I typed "plowing." "Phoebe!" Piper shouts. "I'm sorry," Phoebe replies, peeking through two of her fingers. "Were you guys in the middle of the…" At the sight of the naked Dolt, Phoebe cuts herself short with "Ew." For the second time in as many weeks, I am forced to agree with her. Word, Phoebe. Lip gloss retrieved, Phoebe blindly stumbles out of the bathroom, running into the wall before skittering out the door. Piper glares as I grind up and snort a handful of Xanax. Jesus.
ANYway. Cut to Piper's boudoir. Piper and the Dolt stand, clad in their post-shower-sex robes, as Prue barrels in unannounced. "Hi!" Piper perks through gritted teeth. "Are you lost?" "No, but my keys are," Prue replies. "Have you seen them?" "Have you seen the door?" Piper counters. Prue realizes what she's done, apologizes, and exits. Piper sighs in frustration as the Dolt beams indulgently and reminds her that they "knew what [they] were getting into" when they agreed to remain in the manor after they married. Piper, having had more than enough, sits the Dolt on the bed and tells him she has a better idea. Back in the day, before Grams's final confinement, Prue and Piper shared a bitchin' bachelorette pad in North Beach. When it became clear Grams could no longer live on her own, the two Ps handed the apartment over to a couple of Piper's friends. Piper's kept in touch over the last three years, and the friends now want to hand the lease back over to her. The Dolt wonders if there will be "supernatural ramifications to living apart," as the three Ps did not gain their powers until all three had moved back in to the house after Grams's death. Piper's more concerned about the "marital ramifications to living together." "Everything we do is about navigating our 'charmed' lives," she whines. "When do we get to concentrate on our married life?" She urges him to treat the apartment becoming available as a "sign" that the two are meant finally to build their own life together. The Dolt smiles in silent agreement, and they kiss. Piper, irritating me to no end, ponders, "What do you think the chances are of us pulling this off before another demon attack?"