In any event, the Manor Morons bang their empty heads together for a while until Piper supposes she must have snagged the inspiration for her glamoured self from one of her sisters' magazines. Phoebe heads off to All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me to research this Maya Holmes person; Raige is to return to the Manor to rifle through the Halliwell periodical collection in search of same. The idea is that once they've found the appropriate image and gathered a bit of background information, they'll be able to scry for the real Maya and swap her for Piper via Raige's orbing telekinesis. Just go with it. After a bit of unfunny twitchery from Mugs regarding a documentary she once saw on prison life, Phoebe and Raige exit, leaving Piper alone to grit her teeth and shake her head around in despair before she's...

...escorted back to her cell, and: D'oh! Again! Some more! For the switch to work, you see, Piper needed to remain in a cell of her own. Unfortunately, while she was gone, the cops saddled her with a bleach-blonde white-trash bull dyke of a cellmate. "Um," Piper whispers through the bars at her jailer, "I thought I was going to be alone." "Now you've got company," the jailer rather amusingly whispers back at her before adding, "Play nice." Piper and her cellmate exchange a few uncomfortable words before Piper clunks her weary head against the bars and sighs, "[Dolt]!"

Cue the Dolt, who's standing at the kitchen sink back in the Manor in a white beater while Slutty Eva rinses the ice cream from his befouled shirt. Slutty Eva then attempts to strip off that white beater, and I can see the waistband of his Banana Republic boxer shorts, and then I can see his actual, honest-to-God nipple, and now I am blind. Blind! I mean, yeah, Aaron Spelling's Nighttime Soap Opera Weight Nazis have obviously whipped Brian Krause back into shape over the summer hiatus -- like, there's a massive lapse in continuity for you, by the way, because this scene is supposed to be taking place a mere three weeks after last season's finale -- and so I'm spared the sight of the Dolt's previously springy beer gut, but people. Really. IT'S BRIAN KRAUSE'S NIPPLE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. And there's the other one! AUUAAUAUAUUUUAUUAUUAUUUUAAAAAGH! ANY-way, as I am now temporarily blinded, I'll be recapping the rest of this sequence based on sounds alone. Thank God I can touch-type. ["zO vam'y, sp yjod [arasgrajf mhit be a ;ottje ,ess-dfdi5." -- DstdZ] From what I can hear, Raige arrives to drag her errant brother-in-law from the kitchen and into the center parlor, where she hastily and bitchily fills the Dolt in on the current situation. After ordering him to get Slutty Eve out of the Manor, pronto, Raige turns her attention to the stack of magazines in her lap. She quickly spots Maya at the center of a fashion spread in a recent edition of No. magazine. Raige gapes.