Run, Piper, Run

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...the Manor's nighttime façade, and I had completely forgotten about the worthless scene that follows. Well, almost worthless scene. Basically, The Retarded Bimbo and The Amazing Non-Exploding Maya share one of those "Yes! Witches really do exist!" conversations we've heard at least three hundred and forty-seven times over the last seven years, before The Amazing Non-Exploding Maya provides The Retard with some information the latter can actually use. "Walter can't stand the fact that he's getting older," The Amazing Non-Exploding Maya explains. "He's, like, paranoid about it." The Retard's jaw goes a little less slack. Just a tiny bit, but it's noticeable. "He does everything he can to pretend it's not happening," The Amazing Non-Exploding Maya continues dismissively, "lifts, Botox, implants -- he even has a manicurist come over every night to keep his nails neat and trim. Like that does any good." The Retard silently arrives at a cunning plan, because she's so smart.

Meanwhile, up in the nonexistent attic, the Glamoured Glamorous Idiots muddle through a few options until The Retarded Bimbo bursts into the nonexistent room to share with them the brilliantly cunning plan that she totally arrived at all on her own down there in the kitchen, because she's so hella smart. The Glamoured Glams ignore her. Heh. The Retard finally captures their attention with another near-ultrasonic shriek and, after name-checking that pawn shop guy The Late Lamented dealt with all those many years ago, The Retard proposes they find inspiration for their current mission in Barbas, The Demon Of Fear Who Was Supposed To Appear Only Once Every Thirteen Hundred Years, Was Vanquished, Then Came Back, Was Vanquished Again, Then Came Back Again, Was Vanquished Again, I Think, And Maybe Came Back One More Time After That To Annoy And Get Vanquished Again, And Even Then Never Really Went Away, As This Exchange Proves. God, I hate Barbas. In any event, The Retard suggests they pretend to be the ghost of The Amazing Non-Exploding Maya and terrorize Nance into a confession by "prey[ing] on Nance's deepest fear." The Manor Morons shoot confused looks at each other, but it's The Retarded Bimbo's vacuous simper that escorts us into the final commercial break.

Lair Of The ADA. The Retarded Bimbo has managed somehow to convince Nance's regular manicurist both to take the night off and to lend The Retard her uniform and kit, apparently, for here The Retard is in the ADA's lair, filing away at one of his fingernails. Funnily enough, I find Kaley Cuoco completely believable as a manicurist. And by that I mean Kaley Cuoco should stop what she's calling acting immediately, get a job in a salon, and never darken our television screens with her vile presence again. Anyway, long story short, The Retard nastily baits Nance about his age before distracting him by zapping him with a glamour that makes it seem as if his hands have aged forty years in less than a second. Well, actually, that's what it's supposed to seem like. What we actually see is Davis Gaines howling in horror as the ninety-year-old extra they hired for this sequence pokes his hands up from his hiding place beneath the bottom of the frame and waves them around in front of the camera. This is an effects shot of first-season levels of badness, people. Anyway, this distraction provides The Retard with just enough time to glamour into Amazing Non-Exploding Maya form, and she taunts at Nance some more before telekinetically flinging him into a nearby full-length mirror. Nance rises to his feet and screams again when he catches sight of his reflection, which is that of that poor, ninety-year-old extra they hired for this sequence. Or maybe it's Aaron Spelling. Just think "repellently wizened" and you'll be fine. In any event, Retard Maya is soon joined by Raige Maya and Phoebe Maya, though Béatrice Rosen makes no attempt to differentiate between the three, and the taunting continues until Nance escapes from his lair onto his terrace. The gals plus The Retard deglam for a second before one of them glams back up and saunters on out to the terrace to push Nance over the edge.

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