Charmed
Scry Hard

Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 1 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Welcome To The Dolthouse

Also not important? Virtually the entire scene that follows. Up at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, Phoebe sits at her desk with a red marker, editing her column's galley proof while muttering absently, "Split infinitive? I don't think so." Like she'd recognize a split infinitive if one walked up to her and smacked the taste out of her mouth. With a frying pan. Shut up, Phoebe. Raige, unannounced, orbs into Phoebe's office, and, ignoring Phoebe's shouts of outrage! and exposure!, quickly fills her half-sister in on the morning's events. There's some tedious blather about how Raige feels "cooped up" at Not!warts before Phoebe rises to inform Elise Rothman, Girl Editor that she'll be leaving early that day. Not so fast, Feebs. Seems Elise has a "family emergency" of her own, and she'll need the Feeble One to manage that evening's edition of the paper. Phoebe, gobsmacked, splutters and stammers and stutters and gags, and what about Richard Dillard, the assistant editor? He's out sick, Elise lies, leading Phoebe to protest, "But I'm just an advice columnist -- surely you're skipping some rungs on the ladder, here?" "Don't sell yourself short!" Elise too brightly sings before dropping the faux affability and her tone of voice to add, "Besides, you owe me. Just think of all the times I've covered for your family emergencies." Phoebe rolls her eyes around and sniggers, "Yeah, but that was different." "How so?" Elise ices. "Because," Phoebe doofs, "they were my emergencies." Hag. Nasty, hateful, self-centered, bony-ass, hag. "So your life is more important than mine?" Elise hoots, and oh, Elise. You know you have my full support here, but...of course Phoebe's life is more important than yours. She's in the opening credits, while you're at the tail end of the guest scroll under the travelogue. Get with the program, honey. Phoebe attempts to apologize, but Elise just presses her BlackBerry into Phoebe's palm as she sails past towards the main office doors and instantly, the hijinks ensue. I'll not be recapping the present hijinks in any real detail, nor will I be doing so for any of the subsequent hijinks in this storyline, because they're beyond annoying, but do know that the Feebs finds herself besieged by various frantic and LOUD editors and features writers and ad men and swishy gay fashion reporters and EVERYONE SHUT UP (but especially you, you mincing stereotype at the end of that list) as Raige stresses in the background and we cut over to...

...the nonexistent attic, where the Dolt and the Psycho play with the dollhouse while poor, abused, and woefully neglected -- but not, apparently, deceased -- Tiny Gay Chris finds himself unceremoniously imprisoned in his hand-me-down product-placed playpen. Tiny Gay Chris's monster noggin is swaddled in a thick blue knit cap, no doubt to hide the scars and bruising from his insane brother's last horrific attempt on his life. The Psycho, typically enough, remains dead-eyed and silent throughout, but Tiny Gay Chris amusingly lets out a giggly, enthusiastic, pre-verbal squeal of delight for some reason or another. Cute! But still: Poor Chris. He has no idea how wretched and futile his life ultimately becomes. Sigh. Piper enters, and there is rampant bitchery when she discovers that the Dolt's deactivated the Crystical circle, so Piper and the Dolt head down the stairs to have, as the Dolt puts it, "an adult conversation." The doomed Tiny Gay Chris lets out another giddy squawk at this news, but the murderous Psycho simply pivots to train his vacant, cold stare on his parents' retreating forms. DUN! Eventually.

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Charmed

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