Scry Hard

Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 1 USERS: B
Welcome To The Dolthouse

Dollhouse Of Doom. The Dolt mopily supposes he's going to die. Piper, irritated, angrily reminds him that he used to be a doctor, for Christ's sake, before finally snapping, "You've got to stop focusing on what you can't do and start focusing on what you can. Come on -- improvise!" "All right," the Dolt replies, thinking real hard for a moment. "Grams used to like to sew, right?" he asks. "Yeah," Piper warily confirms. "Where?" the Dolt wonders. Piper notes that the Psycho's bedroom used to be Grams's sewing room back in the day. "Why?" she eyebrows.

Cut to the Miniaturized Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by a dress form and a manually operated and quite ancient sewing machine. Or, you know, reasonable facsimiles thereof. Because it's a dollhouse. Whatever. Piper and the Dolt enter, and Charmed proceeds to rip off the series premiere of Lost -- specifically the scene wherein Kate stitches up the gash in Jack's back -- only Charmed's version lacks the instructive lecture on fear. And the aesthetically appealing presence of Matthew Fox. Oh, gross. No, I'm not talking about the gratuitous shot of Piper running a needle through the Dolt's gaping and jagged shoulder wound. My overwhelming and dispirited disgust was actually triggered by pudgy Brian Krause stripping down to a grey beater. Ick. And...scene? Please? Okay, and...scene. Whew.

All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and crap. God, I hate this subplot. Amid the screams and demands currently being made by her agitated co-workers -- among them the aforementioned screeching, flap-handed fairy of a fashion editor portrayed by the rapidly balding Patrick Bristow -- Phoebe manages to get Elise on the phone, and it becomes clear Elise has taken a page from Chronic The Hedgehog's dating playbook when we learn she actually bailed from the office to spend the afternoon at a cocktail lounge with her assistant editor. Whatever. Phoebe begs Elise to return to the paper, but Elise just snaps shut her cell to canoodle with her Dick as Raige suddenly appears from Phoebe's office to drag the Feebs into a private little confab. She fills Phoebe in on the disappearance of Piper and the Dolt, so Phoebe blares something to the bullpen in general about...I totally don't care, before vanishing with Raige into her office and shutting the door. The glow from Raige's subsequent orb cloud spills across the floor through the door's bottom crack before we cut back over to...

...the Manor, where Raige orbs into the foyer with the Feebs. Zankou, accompanied by a cadre of henchdemons, lopes into the hall from the center parlor and quickly realizes -- thanks in large part to Phoebe's atrocious attempts at bluffing her way through the current crisis -- that the gals have somehow lost track of Piper. "'The Power of Two' just doesn't have the same ring to it," he smirks before telekinetically snapping the front doors open, flinging the gals bodily onto the porch, and locking them out of the house. "Now what?" Phoebe grunts.

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