Someone To Witch Over Me

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | Grade It Now!
Big Chris To Watch Over Me

Hell. Liam pimp-smacks Kerr and His Bulge to the floor of the cave, then proceeds to reveal every last detail of his diabolical plan, because demons are nothing if not stupid. Just like everybody else on this show. Liam then hoists Kerr up by his neck and hurls him across the chamber, where Kerr smashes through some bamboo, um, stuff before crashing again to the dirt, where he gasps and grunts and groans and pants. Liam looks a little frantic. Don't know what that means. Nor do I care.

Nonexistent attic. Raige, having retrieved the automatic from the other side of the room, scries for Li'l Bulging Brody as Phoebe and Piper strive to dissuade her from any attempted rescue. They fail, of course, and the moment the crystal slams down upon a set of map coordinates, Raige orbs out.

Hell. Raige orbs into the chamber and hesitantly picks her way across the sandy floor, calling out Li'l Bulging Brody's name. Liam examines her approach from behind a pillar for a beat, then smokes out. As Raige edges further into the cave, wielding that potion vial in front of her like she's Mina Harker with a crucifix, the camera swings up to the ceiling far above her head, where we find the barely conscious Kerr Smith chained with His Bulge to the rock. DUN!

Okay, so that wasn't really a DUN! at all, but this episode is so grindingly, dreadfully boring that I thought it wise to add a little excitement to the proceedings. You know, to perk things up a bit.

Back in the nonexistent attic, Piper and Phoebe decide to abandon both the Dolt and the relative safety of the Crystical circle in favor of heading to the kitchen to retrieve the Book of Shadows. Before they exit the room, Phoebe reminds Piper to grab for The Amulet Of Supreme Wickedness should Liam attack while they're downstairs -- instead of, say, reminding Piper that she can still freeze shit if need be, which would be far more useful given what follows.

The ladies hustle down into the hallway from the landing with Phoebe in the lead. As she powers through the dining room, Liam smokes in behind her. Piper's shouted warning only serves to get Phoebe, who spins around, stabbed in the stomach, rather than in the back. Hooray! Also: Heh. You know Liam aimed low because he was afraid if he went any higher, his Freddy Krueger hand would come back with a couple of speared saline implants attached, like in the first Scary Movie. Phoebe drops, bleeding, to the floor, but not before she rips The Amulet Of Supreme Wickedness from Liam's neck. The Wings Of Desire whispers hit the soundtrack again, and I suppose we're meant to believe they're chattering at Phoebe this time around, but that makes no sense, so whatever. Phoebe taunts Liam from the floor for a moment before dropping dead. And great was the rejoicing across the land! Liam turns to super-speed over to Piper, but she finally deploys the Hands of Discontent, and he detonates in the middle of the dining room. His glove, however, continues forward for some asinine reason, and Piper looks down at her abdomen to realize she's been shish-kebabbed. Holly Marie Combs, who's been quite frankly phoning it in all season, then executes her worst death scene ever by sort of leisurely lying back on the floor, going, "Guh!" calling for the Dolt, and closing her eyes. Wow, this episode sucks. And once again, we enter the final commercial break having absolutely no desire to return.

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