Someone To Witch Over Me

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | Grade It Now!
Big Chris To Watch Over Me

Manor. Phoebe? Still dead. (Hee!) Piper? Ditto. The Dolt? Still yammering away with the voices in his head. I'm Not Candy pretty much seals the deal when he promises the addled Dolt a world beyond good and evil, where he and Piper can carry on their lives unhindered by the obstacles that have from time to time contrived to tear them apart. Or something like that. Yawn. I'm Not Candy gets a sudden whiff of death and worries that "it may already be too late." The Dolt...

...abruptly wakes up in the attic and calls out for the ex-wife. Or the current wife. I can't remember anymore, and besides, it doesn't matter, because SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU. Dolt. "I'm afraid there isn't much time," the suddenly-appearing I'm Not Candy warns. The Dolt bolts for the stairs and presently finds the dead Piper lying on the hallway floor with Liam's ludicrous tuning fork still sticking out of her stomach. The Dolt, frantic, hastily agrees to join the Avatars, so I'm Not Candy stretches out his hands to emit a beam of bright white light that enters the Dolt's back to suffuse his entire body with a hazy glow. I'm Not Candy then winks out after offering the Dolt a few words of encouragement. The Dolt, who'd been kneeling at Piper's side, stroking her hair, now stands and reaches out towards both sisters. Beams of light shoot from each of his palms to initiate the new and improved tingly touch just as Raige orbs in with a badly beaten Li'l Bulging Brody. "[Dolt]?" Raige hesitates, more than a bit surprised. Brian Krause gets this hysterical look on his face like she just barged into the bathroom to find him on the can, um, pleasuring himself. Oh, ew. I just totally grossed myself out. Shouldn't this episode be over already?

Anyway, after a bit, the beams of light recede, and Phoebe and Piper stagger to their feet not quite remembering what just happened to them. Kerr Smith -- looking like he's about to vomit from the pain he's in, which is a nice and seldom-seen touch on this show -- breathlessly wonders if it's all over. The Dolt gets this too-innocent look on his face and nods his head around. Raige suspiciously informs her sisters that she "never saw [the Dolt] heal anyone like that before." "Did something happen to you?" Piper squints. The Dolt's all, "What do you mean?" Piper notes that the Dolt unleashed The Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Angst And Torment during his stoopid Vision Quest, which would seem to indicate that he suffered some sort of gnarly and agonizing experience while away in a drug-induced coma. Well, yeah, he did, Piper, but trust me: What the audience went through was a hell of a lot worse. This fucking show. The Dolt shrugs that it was all simply something he had to endure "to see the truth." Everyone looks tired. And bored. Except, of course, for poor Kerr Smith, who's just standing there bleeding from all the gashes in his face, and not a soul is making a move to help him. Heh.

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