Someone To Witch Over Me

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | Grade It Now!
Big Chris To Watch Over Me


"God!" Phoebe guhs. "Is he talking to that helicopter?" "He's really cool," Raige mugs, utterly smitten, as she drifts off the sidewalk to follow Kerr Smith across the street. Heh. The Fun Bags and their hateful gold lamé tube top jiggle along after her.

The camera pans with the three as they cross, lingering on the bystanders behind them for a moment before shuddering over to get all up in one guy's icy, Aryan kisser. His frigidly Teutonic bearing means he's obviously demonic. Well, his frigidly Teutonic bearing and that shuddery camerawork. Okay, his frigidly Teutonic bearing and that shuddery camerawork, along with the spiky hair. And the unshaven face. And the rough-hewn leather duster, the two foot-long steel spikes attached to the glove on his left hand, and The Amulet Of Supreme Wickedness on a cord at his throat. Having so established the duster demon's Hell-sent bona fides, the camera cuts away long enough to take in a fireman directing the now-imperiled-again gent to the nearby EMTs. We get a very artsy shot of the soon-to-be corpse's inverted reflection as he stomps through a puddle; the camera pans up from the water's roiled surface to land on Kerr and the Ps as they race down the adjacent sidewalk several paces behind this evening's first victim. "Wait!" Kerr calls out as the camera speed and soundtrack slur down into slow motion. "Siiiiiiiiir! Nooooooooooooooooo!" Kerr continues as the entire scene grinds to a supernatural halt. We get a couple of quick shots of various frozen Glamorous Ladies and extras before settling on our red-headed stepchild of a soon-to-be corpse, stilled just as he was stepping off the curb while twisting his upper body around to grimace in Li'l Bulging Brody's direction. A stream of white light pours from the sky to settle at the Red-Headed Step-Corpse's side, where it coagulates into the form of a very bald gentleman in a long, white coat. Who is also obviously performing his entire role in front of a green screen this evening. The guardian, or "Protector" angel -- for that is indeed what he is -- leans in to the Red-Headed Step-Corpse's ear to whisper, "Stop. Watch for the..." Before he can finish his thought, the duster demon rather explosively smokes into crosswalk to menace and activate The Amulet Of Supreme Wickedness, which sucks the follically challenged Protector into a swirling cloud that vanishes into The Amulet's central stone. "Looks like you're on your own," the duster demon smirks before vanishing as explosively as he entered. The scene instantly returns to normal speed as Kerr Smith bellows out a frantic warning, but it's too late. The Red-Headed Step-Corpse prances into the intersection and is instantly flattened by a beer truck. Whee! Phoebe gasps and covers her eyes. Raige shudders in horrified dismay and places her hands against her face. Kerr Smith pinwheels his arms around, tightens every muscle in his face and neck, and bays, "DAAAAMMIIIIIIT!" Hee. At least he's having fun with the scenery chewing and such. Or maybe I'm giving him far too much credit, and he really is an honest-to-God ham with a pole up his ass in real life. The sickened and repulsed Glamorous Ladies eek their way into the opening credits.

"Guest Starring Drew Fuller"? "Guest Starring Drew Fuller"? HOORAY! Yay! YAY! The Pretty! The Pretty has returned! You all don't mind if I skip immediately to his scenes and ignore the rest of this bullshit, do you? God, wouldn't that be great? Just zipping past Not!warts and Piper's Issues Of The Week and The Dolt's Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Angst And Torment and Filthy Alleyway Fornication and Phoebe's NIPPLES and Raige's Moustache and Bro...hmmm? What's that? Oh. You do mind, do you? Well.

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