Charmed
Someone To Witch Over Me

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Big Chris To Watch Over Me

Hell. The duster demon drops his coat to the dirt floor of a torchlit chamber, and damn. This guy's got some nice arms. Though we finally learn -- in the fourth act, no less -- that the character's name is "Sarpedon," the actor appeared three nights later as Dominic Monaghan's booze-swilling, smack-killing, whore-drilling brother Liam on the far superior Lost, so Liam he shall be for the remainder of the recap. Liam smirks his way through the chamber for a bit until Riff-Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (and yes, it's the same actor) materializes, and the boys sneer at each other for a very long time before launching themselves into a brief and boring fight sequence. You see, Riff-Raff is some sort of mentor-slash-demonic superior to Liam, and Liam's summoned old Riff to, like, kick his ass, or something. Immediately before the fight commences, Liam whispers to the Protectors ensnared in his Amulet Of Supreme Wickedness for guidance, and presumably is therefore able to anticipate Riff-Raff's first Flaming Ball Of Death, which Liam demolishes with those spears on his left hand. Liam then pulls a Matrix-y back-bend to dodge another couple of FBODs before smoking out and rematerializing right behind Riff. They go at each other with their matching sets of spears until Riff manages to shred Liam's right shoulder. This pretty much ends the brawling for the moment so the two can impress us all with their mastery of matters expositional. Seems Riff taught Liam and his other protégés about the Gathering Storm a long, long time ago, and Liam has taken it upon himself to swipe as many Protectors as he can for his own personal benefit in anticipation of the time when the Gathering Storm finally breaks. Riff-Raff listens to all of this patiently enough, but responds by reiterating what apparently was his standard advice back in the day. To wit, the only way to avoid the Gathering Storm is to hide from it. Liam flatly refuses to consider that as an option, and so, you know, he'll be dead by about 7:50 Central tonight. Liam explodes on out of there with a vow to capture more Protectors. Riff-Raff looks around for his sister, as he is in dire need of some elbow sex.

Not!warts. Piper rolls into the library with Phoebe and the Fun Bags and the Tube Top and the NIPPLES dancing behind her, asking one or all of the occupants of that last prepositional phrase to call "Rex" at P3 to ensure that he completes a sound check for tonight's guest ovaries. "Are you even listening to me?" Phoebe peeves. "No," Piper replies, "I'm too busy staring at your lopsided tits, SLUT. Strap on a goddamned underwire already!" Or maybe she doesn't say that at all, instead rambling on about Li'l Bulging Kerr and the Gathering Storm and wah before asking if Phoebe's certain America's Crotch graduated from Not!warts already. Phoebe is, and wonders why Piper's interested in some random, annoying, and unfortunately named one-off character from the middle of last season. Seems Piper's convinced herself that a Vision Quest is the Dolt's only hope. Unfortunately, with America's Crotch gone from the scene, well, you know. Phoebe immediately begins preparing the necessary potion. Piper, surprised, wonders what happened to Phoebe's obsession with Li'l Bulging Brody. "[The Size Queen] can take care of him," Phoebe sniffs before leveling her gaze at Piper and adding firmly, "This is family." Piper and the entire viewing audience immediately keel over dead from a massive and collective shock-induced coronary. Shouldn't Phoebe be fucking the UPS guy on her desk at the office right about now?

Straight Estates. Kerr Smith futzes with some supposedly expensive-looking electronic equipment. The screen on his laptop is filled with a still from the overhead surveillance footage of the Red-Headed Step-Corpse right before the latter married the grille of a beer truck. Kerr sticks a pencil in his mouth and taps on a couple of keys. Some Whatever Technology instantly alters the image's colors, in the process revealing heretofore invisible smears where Liam and the follically challenged Protector had been standing. Raige, out in the hall, raps on the apartment's door. Kerr, intent on his task, calls out, "Nobody's home!" Raige, irritated, orbs into the room anyway with her hands on her hips and a sassy little, "You're quite the liar." She's ditched the pink sweater, but she really needs to knock it off with the slips-as-blouses shit already. Kerr jumps in surprise a little bit before rising to greet her and getting down to business. Well, he would get down to business if Phoebe were, like, dead, or something, but because she isn't, we have to listen to the two banter about Phoebe's issues with him. McGowan and Smith are amusingly twinkly-eyed about it all, though, and they are so going to do it before the end of sweeps.

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Charmed

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