Someone To Witch Over Me

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | Grade It Now!
Big Chris To Watch Over Me

Show me what the evil sees,
Even if at lightning speeds.

You call that a spell? Christ Almighty on a stick. Rrrrgh. No matter, for it's now Rose McGowan's turn in front of the green screen as everything around Raige, including Kerr Smith, grinds to a halt. A bright streak of light shoots down to coagulate and release another spear-bald white-coated gentleman at Kerr Smith's side, and I am not going to wonder why white-clad, alopecic do-gooders haven't suddenly materialized at the side of, oh, everyone in the plaza including Raige, because something like that would make sense, and we can't be having any of that on this goddamned show. "So it is true," Raige breathes, backing away from the Protector as the sound of Liam's explosive transport mojo hits the soundtrack. "You're not getting his Protector," Raige calmly asserts as Liam stalks over to her. "Why would I want his when I can have yours?" he coolly replies, and when the camera cuts from his face to her reaction shot, we see that a bald chick in a white coat has suddenly, inexplicably appeared at Raige's side when she should have been there the entire damn time if she was going to be there at all. Just as suddenly -- albeit far more predictably -- Liam sucks the bald chick into The Amulet Of Supreme Wickedness and smokes out. Raige's surroundings slide quickly back up to speed, and Kerr does an amusing double take when he realizes Raige is now standing about six feet off to his right. Spotting the anxiety plastered across Raige's face, Li'l Bulging Brody's all, "What happened? What's wrong?" "I think I'm in big trouble," Raige's Moustache groans before vanishing into the commercial break.

Manor. Back in the kitchen, Phoebe's finishing up the stoopid Vision Quest potion -- that she actually began at Not!warts, because this show is awful and evil and hateful and makes me want to beat myself with a rock until I am dead -- while on the cordless with Elise Rothman, Girl Editor, begging off work because of a family emergency. Again. The ruckus of wacky Wiccan hijinks arrives from the hallway outside, so Phoebe abruptly hangs up on her boss and barrels out of the kitchen with a bowl of her potion to find Raige flat on her back at the foot of the stairs. Apparently, she tripped, or something, after orbing back to the house with Li'l Bulging Kerr, for when people lose their "guardian angels," they tend to become "accident-prone." And if that's the case...I'll be ignoring just about everything that happens to Raige from here on out. Thanks! Kerr fills Phoebe in on the situation, and Phoebe pulls some more of her strident Suspect The Boyfriend bullshit as she drags Raige onto the sun porch for a private chat, and I am so not going to listen to the former Queen Of All Evil lecture her half-sister on which men are appropriate for dating purposes, so let's fast-forward to the bit where Raige announces she intends to introduce Kerr to the Book of Shadows for a little Liam-related abuse. If the Book hates Kerr, she reminds Phoebe, "it'll zap him." Phoebe sighs that the Book's in the kitchen, and once again warns Raige to be careful before sailing up the stairs with her potion. Raige promptly face-plants in the middle of the dining room, because this show sucks ass, and I want to die.

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