Someone To Witch Over Me

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | Grade It Now!
Big Chris To Watch Over Me

Meanwhile, back in Hell, Liam's managed to spork Riff-Raff with his spears, and we enter the scene just as Riff's collapsing to the dirt. While Riff lies dying on the floor, the boys engage in another round of endless expository blather, with Riff identifying the Avatars specifically as the impending threat, which I think is a first for anyone aside from the Avatars themselves since the storyline was introduced. Then again, I don't really care. Liam, meanwhile, rambles on and on about absconding with Piper and Phoebe's Protectors as well, but we all know Liam's going to fail -- and suffer a painfully explosive death as he's doing so -- so let's move this along, shall we? Liam finally conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death, obliterating his former mentor with the thing. Sniff. Poor Riff. No elbow sex for him tonight. And...scene.

Up in the nonexistent attic, a tense Piper hovers over the comatose Dolt while Phoebe places a protective circle of Mystical Crysticals on the floor around his prone form. "What if something happens to him?" Piper frets. "Maybe his guardian angels are protecting him," Phoebe suggests. "Angels don't have angels, [dumbass]," Piper snorts. "It's redundant." Heh. They blither a bit more about the Protector issue before the screen flashes white and we crackle back to...

...Guadalcanal, where the Dolt -- surprise, surprise -- is having a bit of difficulty understanding his current situation. "If I'm in the past," he asks Big Gay Chris, "what are you doing here?" "I'm guiding you," Big Chris non-answers, but it so totally doesn't matter, because we get a lingering close-up on his face, and despite the grainy wash they've processed over this scene, all I can do is sigh. Again. Forever. Pretty! "So, you're real?" the Dolt wonders, and here's the bit where we discover that Big Gay Chris is just some fevered, drug-induced hallucination in the Dolt's scarily gigantic gargoyle head. Big Gay Chris represents the Dolt's "root pain," dying as he did in the Dolt's arms at the end of last season, slaughtered by everything the Dolt had once believed in, and you know I love you, Chris, but this is really, really dull. Big Gay Chris eventually stands and offers his hand to the Dolt. The Dolt grasps it, and the screen flashes white again to dump the two in...

...The Dank And Forbidding Alleyway Of Desperate And Filthy Crisis Fornication. The Dolt creepily watches himself nail Piper against a wall, and even more distressing is the fact that his subconscious has dragged a representation of his younger son along to witness the act as well. Christ, but the Dolt's a sick twist. The screen flashes white again, and we're back at...

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