Something Wicca This Way Goes

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 3 USERS: C-
And Something Bitchy This Way Goes

Previously on Hags, Nags, And Neglected Fags, Daddy Dearest dropped by the Manor to babysit Big Gay Chris; Pepper Anderson, The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever, took one of Li'l Bulging Brody's tranquilizer darts to the neck, fell into a coma, and eventually returned with half of her memory gone; The Dazzling Sheila issued an ultimatum; Pepper Anderson and her mondo kachongas told the Doormat to have fun on vacation; and Zankou wanted the dread Woogy, but got the Book of Shadows instead.

Currently on Only Twenty-Two Left! Only Twenty-Two Left! Only Twen-- Oh, Fuck It, we pick up shortly after we left off as Raige orbs into a side chamber deep within Not!warts with Piper and Phoebe, the latter of whom frets, "How do we know Zankou's not here waiting for us?" "Because [Not!warts] is protected from him," Raige reminds her, as Piper spins on her heel and barrels into the hallway outside while bellowing for her dolt of a husband. Phoebe and Raige skitter along after her, and the three women pedebabble their way through a hasty round of Book-related exposition. Briefly, while Zankou now possesses the Book of Shadows, "he can't use all of its powers" without first finagling a way to swipe the Glamorous Ladies'. While such a thing has been done before, as long as they remain within Not!warts, they should be safe from any demonic machinations. The Dolt finally blunders onto the scene to wonder what's wrong. After Piper receives assurance that the kids are fine, Phoebe drops this evening's plot bomb on the Dolt's scarily gargantuan gargoyle head. "What?" panics the Dolt. "How?" "As soon as we figure it out, we'll let you know," Raige snots, like, I know how useless he is, honey, but damn. Moderate the tone a little bit, would you? "He broke us down," Phoebe sighs. "Because our powers are tied to the Book," she explains, "and our emotions are tied to our powers, by making us vulnerable..." "He made the Book vulnerable, too," the Dolt realizes. Very good, Dolt. Have a cookie. And then do us all a favor and tell us something we don't already know. "The question is," Phoebe announces, "what is he really after?" "What he's always after," Raige glums. "Power." "The Nexus!" Piper breathes. DUN! Sort of. Well, okay, not really a DUN! at all, seeing as how he's already gone after it once before, but whatever. I can't be assed to care anymore.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Zankou blazes into the main hall with the Book of Shadows, artfully tilting its triquatra-embossed cover towards the camera for maximum effect, and if this leader-of-Hell gig doesn't work out for him, I'm thinking he can always land a job on The Price Is Right as one of the models. Can't you see him pulling one of those smooth, pass-and-flip hand gestures just like Janice Pennington used to do while Rich Fields shouts out, "A NEW CAR"? And now that I've imagined him doing that, I won't be able to take him seriously for the remainder of the evening. Good thing I picked the night they decided to turn him into a jibbering, drooling jackass, no? In any event, Zankou is presently joined by a posse of eleven henchdemons, who squiggle and blaze into place behind him. One of this evening's henchdemons is played by Justin Baldoni, last seen as a date-raping bit of chum in Spring Break Shark Attack, so I guess this is a step down for him. Also, apropos of absolutely nothing, as they've chosen to adorn him with little more than a leather vest for tonight's festivities, I will be distracted by his guns whenever he appears on screen. Woof. Now where was I? Oh, yeah: Zankou, fondling the Book as he steps towards the camera, flashes his teeth and croons, "It's good to be back!" The ominous horns go nuts on the soundtrack for a little bit before Zankou, grinning like the dark demonic fool he is, vanishes into the opening credits.

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