Not!warts. Piper and Phoebe sit at separate tables, poring over various reference books while waxing nostalgic for seasons past. Long past, it seems, as Piper wonders if she's correct in assuming the Book contains a "confidence spell." "Yeah," Phoebe confirms. "Remember? We cast it on that waiter at [72virg=ins], in the as-yet-unrecapped 'Feats Of Clay'?" "Wow," Piper goggles. "[72virg=ins]. That was a long time ago." You're telling this to me? Bitch. Piper suggests they cast it on themselves, as it might help them regain control of the Book, but Phoebe nixes this idea in favor of a body-swapping plan. No go, Feebs, for as Piper points out, that would place Zankou's demonic essence deep within Not!warts, and that would be a very, very bad thing indeed. "How about a love spell?" Phoebe perks. "We could make him fall for one of us!" "Sorry. I'm taken," Piper pffts, "and you're not that desperate, are you?" Not going there, either, folks. This fucking recap is long enough as it is. Phoebe smirks something about demons keeping her warm at night that leads to a ball joke from Piper that I'll not be transcribing, before Piper runs through a few more options that demand hyperlinks to previous recaps, including spells to hear other's thoughts and "to stretch the imagination," before proposing they turn Phoebe into a Banshee again. "Too much screeching," Phoebe protests. "It's hard on my voice." Hasn't stopped you before, hag. And then we get another blast from the past when Phoebe suggests "humiliating" Zankou by turning him into an animal. "Like we did that one time to everyone at P3?" Phoebe prompts. "That spell backfired," Piper duhs, and it didn't, really, but this is getting nowhere, so let's jump ahead to the bit where Raige calls them out to the Not-So-Great Hall, and oh. SHIT. Why are they doing this to me? WHYYYYY? Phoebe and Piper step into the room to find it bursting with Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, including valkyries, leprechauns, ogres, gnomes, and that fucking fairy princess who died two years ago. "What are they doing here?" Piper asks for me. "Reinforcements," is Raige's smug, self-satisfied reply. Shut the fuck up, Raige.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. The feds have taken control of the precinct, but that's apparently not as important as Pepper Anderson shrilling something outraged and accusatory into her cell phone at Detective Doormat, who's either just checking into a resort with The Dazzling Sheila and his shape-shifting children -- the one we see here is vaguely Asian at the moment -- or just packing up the Morris family SUV outside their apartment building, and I so do not care either way, because this scene is absolutely pointless as far as this episode goes. Long story short, Pepper Anderson orders the Doormat back to Trudeau Memorial to assist with the federal investigation, and the Doormat tells her to go to hell. And...scene.