Soul Survivor

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
Soul Soporific

When we return, we find Dead Larry stammering, "Uh. Um. Okay, you've gotta send me back before Zahn gets pissed." Dude, how awesome would Steve Zahn have been as The Demon Of The Week? I'm thinking there would be a fair amount of awe involved. Well, maybe not so much tonight, because his talents would have been wasted on an episode as tedious as this, but still. Keep him in mind for future guest appearances, please. Not that Steve Zahn's so hard up for cash that he'd actually consider appearing on this show, unlike, say, a certain slumming Getty heir I'm about to mention in the next sentence.

Slampiece Buttfuck (smooth transition, no?) greets the Dead Larry warmly, reminding the ghost that it took care of the Montanague family finances when it was alive. Dead Larry's all, "Whatever, smack whore," and reveals that if he doesn't live up to his end of the "Faustian deal" he made with Keith, The Widow Larry is screwed. You see, five years ago, Keith convinced Dead Larry to trade his soul for business success, and "last night payment became due in full." Dead Larry explains that once he figured out Keith was effecting said success by exploiting the "pain" of various Bay Area unfortunates, Dead Larry tried to withdraw from the deal, but blah blah go ahead and actually read the various Faust legends to learn how well that worked out for Dead Larry. Though, again, awesomeness would have ensued had Raige reentered Dead Larry's office to find "bloodstains...everywhere" with "bits of brain [clinging] to the walls" while "outside...[Dead Larry's] corpse, its members still twitching, [lay] on a pile of manure." Maybe they'll try that for February's sweeps. Anyway, Piper enters at this point with Tiny Gay Chris, takes one look at the ghost in her living room, and shoots a look of death at Raige before gliding out to the sun porch. Raige fidgets a bit in discomfort before following to plead her case.

Piper sets Tiny Gay Chris in his product-placed playpen and immediately lets Raige have it. "How do you know all the demons in the Underworld aren't out looking for [Dead Larry]?" she howls. Raige argues that that's all the more reason "to save him." "'Save him'?" Piper spits incredulously. "He's dead!" Raige splutters that Dead Larry "hasn't moved on yet," and vows that she'll do anything to save his soul before Keith gets it. This leads to more outrage from Piper, due to the fact that Raige has endangered all of the Manor's inhabitants by taking on a demon about whom she knows nothing -- and without first consulting her sisters. Raige babbles something obnoxious about preventing Dead Larry from paying endlessly for his life's mistakes after he's dead, and Piper shrieks something about actions having consequences. "You can't keep going off on your own," Piper sighs, waving her hands around in the air. "It's not how we work." "If you bring danger into this house," she reminds Raige, "you have to talk to us about it first." Raige sneers that she did, but that Piper and Phoebe "weren't exactly supportive, unlike [Slampiece Buttfuck], who is." Piper rolls her eyes at this, wondering "what [Buttfuck] has to do with any of this." "You barely even know him," she adds. "Maybe," Raige snottily allows, "but he seems to get me more than you!" With that, she spins on her heel and flounces back to the parlor. Piper grinds her teeth in aggravation as Tiny Gay Chris drools.

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