Soul Survivor

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
Soul Soporific

Castle Montanague. Raige enters to find Slampiece Buttfuck in the study. He rises with a warm smile to greet her, but shifts to concern when he reads her expression. Raige wearily admits that things aren't going so well. Scene.

Pointless Subplot Number Three. The Dolt and Big Gay Chris stumble across the portal, and after a bit of tedious business with the big, scary, menacing computer animation, leap through it. They tumble out the other side to find themselves surrounded by Confederate soldiers. In San Francisco. What the fuck ever.

Castle Montanague. Raige and Slampiece Buttfuck flirt shamelessly with each other as Raige sort of reveals her plan to save Dead Larry. She needs Buttfuck to "get [her] sisters when it's time." "I'm gonna need their help," she explains, "but they can't know about it until it's too late to stop me." "Won't they be pissed?" Buttfuck asks. "Probably," Raige admits before smiling, "Got any candles?" Buttfuck grins.

Manor attic. Piper lights a circle of her own candles on the floor. She and Phoebe intend to summon Keith, give him one chance to surrender Dead Larry's soul, and vanquish him with some super-fabulous potions they've whipped up in the last three minutes. The gals clasp hands, and Piper recites the following:

We call upon the ancient powers
To summon one to save a soul.

Down in Hell, or wherever, Keith schmoozes with his clients until a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls assails him and sucks him upwards. Dead Larry rolls his eyes. I am so with you, corpse man.

Back in the attic, Keith materializes briefly at the center of the room before the swirling cloud of glowing golf balls attacks once more to escort him elsewhere. Piper and the Feebs are all, "Fucking Raige."

And speaking of Raige, she's still over in Castle Montanague, waiting to greet Keith when the swirling cloud of glowing golf balls deposits him in Slampiece Buttfuck's study. "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse," she begins. Keith glares for a beat until the screen flashes white to smack us downstairs to his office. He presents Raige with a contract entitled "Faustian Deal." Oy. Keith conjures a quill, instructing Raige to "sign on the dotted line." Raige refuses to do so until Keith's released Dead Larry. Keith shoots her a tired look and snaps his fingers. Dead Larry flames into the room, quickly figures out what's going on, and starts screaming "Don't!" as Raige emblazons her name on the contract. No, seriously. The letters actually burn themselves into the parchment. Keith rises and dismisses Dead Larry with, "Have a nice afterlife." Dead Larry glows white and slowly ascends through the ceiling. Raige smiles at him as he goes, then suddenly clutches her chest in pain. She collapses to the floor and -- wait for it -- gives up the ghost. Said ghost is clad not in the clothes Raige was wearing when she died, but rather a shapeless, one-shouldered, burlap shift. Which goes against everything we've ever seen regarding the freshly dead on this show, but whatever. Keith picks his way across Raige's corpse, passing through her ghost on his way to lock her contract in the vault. Once he's mojoed the vault shut, he breathes, "It's been a pleasure doing business with you." Raige looks down at her dead body in something meant to approximate dismay before this episode limps into the final commercial break.

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