Soul Survivor

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
Soul Soporific

Manor. Piper's on the cordless in the main hall, trying to reach Raige but getting nothing more than her voicemail. Phoebe descends the stairs with the news that Raige isn't showing up on the scrying radar, either. Just as they're about to drift into despair, Slampiece Buttfuck arrives to fill them in on Raige's cunning plan. Before he can do that, however, we must arrive at closure for Pointless Subplot Number One. Tiny Gay Chris tosses the evil eye at Buttfuck, who reacts with a mild, "Does he do that a lot?" Piper and Phoebe glance at the brat to discover that he's orbing his eyes around in his head, and it's not nearly as interesting as I just made it sound. The effects editors have simply obscured Tiny Chris's eyes with a bit of sparkling blue digital overlay. Why did anyone bother with this episode? Including me? Sigh. Piper realizes she's not getting laid because the "little runt" is scaring off her dates, and that's it for Pointless Subplot Number One. Buttfuck proceeds to clue the gals in on what Raige expects them to do, and it involves reversing the "To Call A Lost Sister" spell. "It should take you right to her," he states. "To do what?" Piper icily wonders. "To save her," Buttfuck shrugs. Piper strenuously rolls her eyes while Phoebe and Tiny Chris breathe through their mouths.

Down at the slave auction, Keith introduces Raige and her corpse to the assembled demonic throng, and announces his intention to auction her soul and her body separately. A Grimlock opens the bidding at fifteen powers. It quickly ratchets up to around forty or so until Piper and Phoebe swirl in to bring things to a halt. The Grimlock offers one hundred powers "for all three." "Sold!" Piper cries. "To the dead Grimlock!" She unleashes her Hands Of Discontent, and the Grimlock's pasty ass is fiery history. A leather-clad demonette with New Jersey mall hair tosses a Flaming Ball Of Death at the Feebs. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band is mute, but we're to believe she empathically channels the demonette's powers to redirect the FBOD into the demonette's own stomach. The demonette explodes. The remaining buyers flee, with Piper picking off one or two of them with a few casual flicks of her wrist. Raige orders her to blow up Keith's vault, which Piper does. As the contracts burn, Raige's ghost glows yellow and reenters her body. "Cut it a little close," she grumps when her reconstituted self rises to cross to her sisters. "What the hell is going on?" Piper demands. "Bitch later," Raige retorts. "Vanquish now!" Phoebe and Piper turn to hurl their vanquishing vials at Keith's feet. He erupts in a veil of flame and quickly dissolves into a Keith-shaped cloud of dust that presently drifts off in the refreshing Underworld breeze. Piper turns back to Raige. "Now can I bitch?" Heh. Raige hurriedly explains that she knew that "no matter how pissed off" Piper and Phoebe were, they'd still come to save her because of the sisterly bond. Piper and Phoebe glance at each other all, "Next time, we let her fucking insubordinate ass rot."

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