Spin City

Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | Grade It Now!
Chris Of The Spider Woman

The Presidio. Piper deploys her Hands Of Discontent about six times in a row, but nothing's getting through Chris's webbing. The ogre offers to pound rocks some more, but Raige thanks him and tells him they can handle things from here on out. The Stoopid Magikal Kreatures take their leave, allowing Piper enough privacy to berate her sisters for summoning the stupid Dolt in the first place. Phoebe and Raige protest weakly but quickly shut up, because both know better than to fuck with a pissed-off Piper.

The Lair Of The Chris Of The Spider Woman. Chris has trussed up the Dolt in a gigantic spider web. The Dolt, undeterred, decides to goad Chris into attacking him. "Tell me why you hate me so much, Chris. Huh? What did I do to become such a bad dad?" "It doesn't matter anymore," Chris claims, but the Dolt won't relent. "The hell it doesn't," he sneers. "Deep down, you hate my guts -- admit it." Well, I sure as hell will if my husband won't. "Did I miss a school play?" the Dolt continues as Chris menaces ever closer. "Did I take away your favorite toy? Did I play favorites with [the Psycho]?" Apparently so, for Chris bares his fangs at this last, snatches the Dolt up by his shirt, and hurls him across the chamber into a wall of stone. The Dolt hits hard before snipering to the ground. Chris flies across the room to toss the Dolt back up against the wall so he can commence with the smackdown. Hooray! Chris jabs his fists into the Dolt's mighty gut a couple of times before slamming his father into the floor once more. The Dolt grunts.

Outside, Fetal Gay Chris boots his mom in her kidneys. This somehow leads to the realization that if Piper takes the antidote herself, it'll cure Chris Of The Spider Woman, due to the fact that whatever happens to his fetal self affects him as well. Piper snatches the vial out of Phoebe's hand and drains it.

Meanwhile, Chris Of The Spider Woman screams, "You don't know me!" over and over again while repeatedly punching the Dolt in the face. This is beautiful, man. As the antidote takes effect in Piper's uterus outside, Chris Of The Spider Woman glows white and morphs back into Big Gay Chris. In an absolutely awesome bit of business, Big Gay Chris pauses long enough to note that his Glamour-Length Press-On Nails have disappeared, then resumes beating the worthless Dolt until the worthless Dolt bleeds. Hee. Hooray! Chris lands ten more punches with the Foley editors going batshit on the soundtrack until Piper enters the chamber through the now-open entryway to drag my husband off of her ex. "Look at me!" she cries. "It's okay! It's over." Chris, gasping for air, eyes his bloodied father on the cave floor for a moment before stalking out past his aunts into the park. The Glamorous Ladies exchange Looks Fraught With Concern as the Dolt drops his bloodied head to the dirt and the shot cross-fades to the closing travelogue.

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