Spin City

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Chris Of The Spider Woman

An endless and irritatingly jumpy opening travelogue passes by as a heaving ovary wails something that might be relevant to tonight's plot, but because of her atrocious enunciation, I'll never be able to tell if that's true or not. Over at the Manor, Raige engages in some Book of Shadows abuse from her perch on the sun porch's wicker love seat as Piper tends to Big Gay Chris's wounds at the nearby table. Big Chris's hair has gotten a little shaggy from all the excitement, and sweet Jesus, he's pretty. Ooops. Sorry. We've known that for nearly a year, haven't we? And yet The Pretty retains its ability to shock on occasion. "So, I'm okay, right?" Chris winces. "I mean, mini-me in there," he amends, nodding towards his mother's stomach. Piper assures him he'd be the first to know if anything were wrong with his fetal gay self. She dabs at the gashes in his neck with a wet washcloth as Chris grimaces and asks, "Then why were you so worried back there?" "I wasn't worried," Piper too hastily responds. Off Chris's "girl, please" look, Piper admits, "All right. I was a little worried about the force field." Chris is all, "What force field?" so Raige explains, "The one she had when she was pregnant with [your dead-eyed sociopath of an older brother]." Big Gay Chris is flabbergasted. Piper's compelled to stress that she didn't have the force field -- the percolating Psycho did. "It was all his doing," she adds. "From the womb?" Chris howls, pouty and incredulous. "He had powers from the womb?! That's unbelievable. It's not like I don't have an inferiority complex with him already. Thank you." Piper's eyes have been warily widening during this unexpected rant, and she too casually wonders if Raige has found the entry for their latest adversary. Snerk.

Raige, conveniently enough, has, and rises from the love seat to cross to the table with the Book as she reads aloud, "[The Spider Woman] is an evil creature that emerges from its hidden lair every hundred years to capture and feed off the most powerful magical being it can detect." I know there's a Chita Rivera joke in there somewhere. "In this case," Raige adds, ignoring me while settling into a chair, "that would be you." "And me," Chris perks. The ladies stare at him blankly. "Sort of," he shrugs with a tiny voice. Hee. "You must be so proud," Piper smirks before noticing that the Book also contains ingredients for a vanquishing potion. "What say we make this eight-legged freak wish she had never been hatched?" she quips. Big Chris immediately objects, citing his mother's delicate condition. Raige agrees, noting that without the force field, Piper's pretty much useless. "Do you have to keep rubbing that in?" Chris snits. "Aren't there any therapists in the future?" Raige retorts. Chris stares her down for a moment before turning back to his mother to assert, "We need Phoebe." No you don't. This episode has been moving along rather nicely without her. Piper agrees with me, but for a different reason. She doesn't want to interrupt the Dim One's date with "Mark." "Actually, it's Mike this week," Raige corrects. "No, it's Mitch, but who cares?" Chris peeves impatiently. "We need her." Piper subtly rolls her eyes as if to say, "Christ, my sister's a slut." Heh. Raige babbles out a reminder of Phoebe's vision quest from a couple of episodes ago, noting that ever since then, Phoebe's been focusing on getting knocked up. Or something like that. I don't care, because at this moment, my shockingly pretty husband gets all woozy, gingerly runs his fingers along the gashes in his neck, and wonders, "Does the Book say anything about that spider being poisonous?" Raige and Piper wiggle their eyebrows at each other.

The Lair Of The Spider Woman. The camera takes in a cocooned skeleton hanging on the wall before panning past several similarly cocooned skeletal remains and a few cobwebbed pillars and landing on The Spider Woman, who slinks into the chamber to shimmy over to yet another cocooned figure lying on a bier in the center of the room. There are, like, three dozen sets of skeletal remains littering the cavern, by the way. Remember that in case I decide to harangue you all about it once we learn the lair's location. The Spider Woman and her nameless and elderly victim natter about various plot points that everyone who saw the last scene already knows, so I'll take this moment to note that I'm kind of digging The Spider Woman's look. In addition to the Elvira-esque black gown that places the expected amount of emphasis on her tits, they've plastered the actress with a light grey pancake makeup, accented by darker shades of grey, highlighting her eyes and bone structure. The lips are crimson, and she's sporting a set of fake teeth that give her pairs of fangs on both her upper and lower jaws. Rather Halloweenish, but effective. The Spider Woman exposits that she's infected a Charmed One's Whitelighter, and I have no idea how she knew Big Gay Chris was a Whitelighter and more importantly, I don't care, because this show is what? That's right: Ass. A steaming pile of ass. The Spider Woman sneers something else at the elderly gentleman before digging her ebony Active-Length Lee Press-On Nails into his sides. Her hands flicker and glow as a shimmery wave of bright white mojo passes through the elderly gentleman's body. The Spider Woman tosses her head back in open-mouthed ecstasy as she extracts the gent's life force, or whatever, and she presently leaves behind yet another cocooned skeleton to join the others in her collection. Scene.

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