Charmed
Spin City

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Chris Of The Spider Woman

Basement. The Dolt eases open the door at the top of the stairs and calls down into the gloom for Big Gay Chris. He picks his way down the steps until Big Chris's hunched-over form suddenly lurches into the light at the bottom of the stairs. As Chris shuffles forward, the expression on his face shifts from pain to rage, and I'm once again surprised at how goddamn pretty he is. "Bastard!" he spits, shooting out one of his hands. His palm emits a stream of webbing that passes harmlessly through the Dolt's defensive cloud of orbs. The Dolt rematerializes in the kitchen and expeditiously shuts and locks the basement door as Phoebe and Raige race in from the dining room. "What happened?" Raige blurts. "He attacked me," the Dolt pants, looking for all the world like he's just pissed himself in terror. Pantywaist. Heh. Much blathering follows about the possible source of Big Gay Chris's Dolt-directed animosity before Phoebe finally drops the paternity bomb. The Dolt, gobsmacked, staggers over to the breakfast table and eases himself into a chair, much as Piper did a couple of scenes ago. I don't know if I should applaud that little bit of parallelism or ignore it in favor of the Dolt's anguished mutterings. Oh, who am I trying to kid? Like paying attention to the Dolt is ever an option. Meanwhile, Raige's cell phone rings, so she slips into the other room to answer; Phoebe plants herself in a chair next to the Dolt to deliver a little pep talk that basically amounts to, "Process the new information regarding Chris immediately, because we desperately need your help, and God knows how worthless you are when you're fully present, so get it together already, 'kay?" The Dolt rather conveniently remembers that The Spider Woman's last victim was a wizard, so he orbs off to Not!warts in search of something he can use to scry for the wizard's location. In the meantime, Phoebe's to search the Book for an antidote and prepare a batch for Big Gay Chris. Raige wanders back into to the room to announce she must return to P3, as "The Wicked Witch has struck again." Oh, Christ on a damn stick. Would you believe I'd already forgotten about that stupid subplot? Raige vanishes upwards as Phoebe purses her lips and phrets. Or something like that.

Meanwhile, down in the basement, Big Gay Chris rocks back and forth on the floor in agony as his transformation continues. Suddenly, The Spider Woman's voice echoes through the room. "Come to me, Chris," she croons, and bitch, I know you're not hitting on my husband now, too. Chris staggers to his feet and, following her instructions, lurches towards the basement's brick archway, whereupon he extends his hands to spray out a bit of spider webbing in the archway's corner. Once the web's complete, The Spider Woman's face appears, and she smiles, "You are learning quickly." "What do you want from me?" Chris seethes. "I think you know," The Spider Woman mildly replies. "Now bring me [Manuel Neri's 'Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)']." "[It's entirely too rare and valuable a piece]!" Chris shouts. The head of The Spider Woman telepathically directs some painful mojo in his direction, so Chris screams and drops to his knees, clawing at his stomach. "You can't resist it," the head of The Spider Woman smirks. "Don't fight it -- embrace your new powers." "I don't understand," Chris gasps. The head of The Spider Woman gets all smug and grins, "You will, my sweet. All in good time." Chris leaps to his feet and plows his fist through her face, destroying the spider web and ridding himself of the vision in the process. The camera cuts to a close-up. His eyes have gone red.

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Charmed

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