Charmed
Spin City

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Chris Of The Spider Woman

Manor. The camera swings past "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" to land on Phoebe mixing the Spider Woman antidote in the dining room. Raige, having returned from the club, offers her assistance, but Phoebe's pretty much done. The Dolt orbs in with Rathmere's wand and some scrying utensils, and the Manor Morons discuss possible future reasons for Big Gay Chris's Dolt-directed animosity as a CGI spider emerges from a brass heating vent in the floor. When this first aired, I mistakenly thought it was The Spider Woman Spider and was thus a little confused by what followed, but on second viewing, this spider's smaller and greyer and clearly coming from the basement, so it must be Chris. We get a blurry arachnid POV of Phoebe's feet as Spider-Chris scuttles on over to the dining room. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, and she shrieks, "My God, [Dolt], can't you think of anything but yourself?" Raige and the Dolt blink at her as Spider-Chris warily backs away from his empathic aunt. "That was kind of weird," Phoebe admits before the Fucking Backup Band swings back in and she shouts, "You totally bailed on us!" "What the hell?" Raige snorts as Phoebe realizes she's "channeling Chris's anger." "He's in the basement," the Dolt reminds her. "Can you empath from so far away?" "Empath" is not a verb. Shut up, Dolt. Phoebe supposes her powers are expanding. "Or he's closer than we think," Raige offers. Guess which of the two is right?

Spider-Chris, realizing Raige is on to him, scurries back into the parlor, where he flares and morphs into Chris Of The Spider Woman. Phoebe scoops up the antidote as she and Raige prepare to race into the parlor. Meanwhile, Chris Of The Spider Woman stalks on up to "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)." When Phoebe darts into the room to shout, "No!" he replies by flinging out first one hand, then the other, spitting out webbing that propels Phoebe backwards through the air to the foyer wall, where it glues her hands to the paint. Raige is next, flipping her own antidote vial at her infected nephew, but Chris Of The Spider Woman zaps the thing out of the air before affixing Raige to the upper part of the banister. The Dolt's last in line, loping in to cry, "Chris, stop! This isn't you!" Chris Of The Spider Woman latches onto the Dolt's neck and slams him against the wall. "Wanna bet?" he jeers, and I'm sorry, but Drew Fuller looks ridiculous. The red eyes are kind of cool, but those Glamour-Length Lee Press-On nails have got to go. He also, frankly, could have used a little more rehearsal time with his prosthetic teeth, because he's lisping and choking all over the place on his own spit. Oh, well. He's still pretty, and I suppose that's what really matters. Chris hurls the Dolt headfirst onto the stairwell landing. The Dolt quickly returns to his feet and whirls around in time to catch some more of Chris's webbing as Chris pastes his father's hands to the window frame and wall, and I just now realize what bothered me so much about the stairwell in "Headless Bitches." It wasn't that they'd repainted it. What they actually did was replace the fucking window that's been there for five and a half years with a goddamned solid wall. And as arriving at that realization so late in the game has made me feel as thick-witted and dull as the Feebs, I'll be moving this along. With his relatives plastered all over the stairwell, Chris Of The Spider Woman is free to snag "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" and orb away. "Bug spray," Raige groans. "We should have used bug spray." Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaah! The Manor Morons hang in place for a bit before dropping into the commercial break.

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Charmed

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