Styx Feet Under

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | Grade It Now!
If Death Doesn't Become Her, Will It At Least Shut Her Up?

A quick thanks to the lovely and engaging and whip-smart keckler and her equally lovely and engaging and whip-smart husband, Dr. Mathra, for the delightful afternoon I spent with them last weekend while they were in town for a wedding. I had a great time, guys, and can't wait to sit down for cocktails with you two again.

Previously on Charmed, the stupid Dolt wouldn't stop whining already. And...that's about it. Did we really need to be reminded of that? The moron whines every week.

Currently on Charmed, the camera fades up quickly on a leafy green tree rustling in the balmy breeze -- in San Francisco, in February -- before panning down to reveal Piper's suspicious-looking Grand Cherokee parked rather conspicuously on the grounds of an Army base -- of which none currently exist in the Bay Area -- across a fountained courtyard from said base's -- and I'm guessing here based on the sign -- CHAPEL. How Piper was able to drive that thing directly onto a military base, one can only guess, but it's nice to know the current administration is clearly channeling appropriate funds to military security and not, say, siphoning those funds off into yet another quarter-of-a-billion-dollar, pork-laden corporate tax cut. Stalwart types who will see their active-duty and Veterans' Administration benefits drastically slashed should the current administration hang around for another four years salute each other as they wander past the car, nary a one of them bothering to stop and question the two shrill women in the Grand Cherokee's front seat regarding their business there. Indeed, none of the passing gentlemen so much as glance in the SUV's direction. Whatever. I'm clearly more worried about a car bomb than any of these muscle-brained, lunkheaded extras on the nonexistent military base are, so let's just drop it.

The camera eventually swivels to land on Raige and Piper, each on a cell phone, bitching to Phoebe and the latest disposable P3 bar manager, respectively. Raige testily informs Phoebe that they haven't spotted the "half-demon, or whatever the hell he is" as of yet, as Piper wearily instructs the disposable manager to borrow a couple of cases of beer from a nearby watering hole in advance of this evening's opening. Because this is television, the ladies reach the end of their conversations at the exact same time and hang up simultaneously. Because this is Charmed, they do so with irritatingly exaggerated eye-rolls along with some mighty mugging. "Why is it," Raige growls, "every time Phoebe runs away from a guy, we actually pay for it?" "She [bangs Sparklies on her secretary's desk at the office]," Piper commiserates, "and suddenly she's got us chasing demons all over town while P3 falls apart." "And she has to get her active powers back, because we can't keep picking up the slack," Raige grumbles, for Phoebe's long-lost active powers are An Important Plot Point This Evening, and Attention Must Be Paid. Even though, you know, they were constantly picking up faithless Phoebe's slack even when she actually had her active powers, but whatthefuckever. Eventually, Raige drops the griping long enough to shrug and note that she cast a protection spell on their latest innocent anyway, so he should be okay, demon or no. Piper nearly chokes on the strawberry Twizzler she'd been stuffing into her snippy gob and extracts it to peeve, "Protection spells backfire -- that's why we don't use them." Raige waves her hands around and mumbles that she got the spell from her "best grad student," so Piper should just chill the fuck out for once in her life already. Wait a minute. Raige got the spell from Would-Be-Slampiece Lurch? The infant from two weeks ago? This should work out well for them. Not.

Piper dumps her half-chewed Twizzler back into the bucket on the seat between them when she spots their "on-the-move" innocent across the courtyard. Despite the fact that the car is parked all of thirty feet from the guy, Raige yanks a pair of binoculars from her cleavage to track him as he ambles around the courtyard's fountain to disappear into the CHAPEL. "He's going in alone," Piper murmurs. "Come on!" Raige scrambles to retrieve her shoes from the floor of the cab as Piper impatiently rolls her eyes some more and grunts.

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