"I bet you didn't expect this when you got up this morning," Eddie smirks, crossing to Piper, who's rather awkwardly waving the blade around in the air. Eddie places his hands on Piper's shoulders and announces to the room, "The sword has chosen!" Phoebe claps a hand over her mouth and clutches at the Dolt in shock. "You are the new savior," Eddie breathes, leaning into Piper's ear, "the champion of good. The master of Excalibur." The Lead Dwarf rolls his eyes. Hee. "Welcome," Eddie finishes, "to your new destiny." Piper's response? "Oh, crap!" Unfortunately, the idiot editor cuts off her reaction shot so abruptly in favor of heading into the commercial break, we don't have time to laugh, like, it's called "timing," asswipe. Acquire a sense of it before you fuck up another goddamned joke.
I hate this show.
Back from the break, Phoebe escorts the Lead Dwarf to the front door. He waddles slowly across the threshold, super-speeds three steps forward to sniff at one of the improbable roses on the trellis, then super-speeds off. No, I have no idea why that effects sequence was necessary, but I'm assuming they discovered they had money to burn on this one once they decided to give Drew Fuller the week off, and to that I say: Fewer effects, more pretty boys. Thanks. Back in the parlor, Piper moodily insists that there must be some sort of mistake. As if in response, Excalibur slides across the coffee table to nudge her hand. "Stop that!" she barks. Heh. "It's drawn to you," Eddie claims, "just like you're drawn to it." Piper shuts him down with a few quippy remarks, one of them being, "I don't have time to play Queen Arthur!" Edward Atterton stares at her all, "Was that a slam, missy? 'Cause I'll have you know that threeway was Vartan's idea." That line's also amusing because Raige enters immediately after it, toting Tiny Gay Chris over to his father, and if you don't know who this episode's real Queen Arthur is from that blocking choice, you've never seen television before. Especially when Raige enthuses that Piper's "The Chosen One," which, if I remember correctly, is a moniker once bestowed upon the wee Done One now slouching like a boneless wad of flesh in the Dolt's lap. Oh, wow. I'm sorry. "Boneless wad of flesh in the Dolt's lap" is quite simply vile and uncalled for, isn't it? And yet, I refuse to delete it from the recap. Hmmm. In any event, Raige urges "Merlin" to regale them all with tales of the true Camelot. "Actually, the name's Mordaunt," Eddie corrects her. "Merlin was just a fairy tale." I'll be calling him Morgaunt, because Eddie could use a sandwich. Also: "Fairy tale"? Snorf. Stop it with the gay, people. We get it. Morgaunt here got to feel up Vaughn, and we all hate him for it, so let's just put it all behind us and get on with the episode, okay? Phoebe wonders if Morgaunt's a wizard, and continuity just took a double hit in the space of two lines of dialogue. As you'll no doubt remember Monkey Boy was the last of his kind, and he also called Merlin "a hack." Fuck it. If the writers can't remember this stuff, there's no reason I should anymore. Morgaunt, in any event, claims he's not a wizard, but rather "a humble teacher in service of the sword." If that overly obsequious self-definition doesn't set off any alarms amongst the Manor Morons, nothing will.