Charmed
Sword And The City

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The Madness Of Tiny Gay Chris

…head back to Castle Montanague, where Raige grinds some leaves while Phoebe adds a bit of "wereboar tusk" to a copper pot. In order, the next ingredients are a few strands of "nymph hair" (pulled, yes, from the ass), three drops of "wraith essence," and "a level teaspoon" of "black poppy." Buttfuck, who had been pacing awkwardly just outside the door, hears this last ingredient and shouts, "No!" He flicks his right wrist with two fingers extended like he's a sky witch indicating the emergency exits on a DC-10, and telekinetically sends Phoebe flying out of the storage room into the hall. Raige dashes to her sister's side, and the two women rise as Buttfuck gingerly collects a pinch of the black poppy. "Watch," he orders them, stepping back towards the hall. He flings the sprinkle of poppy into the pot, which explodes with enough force to shatter the thing. "Don't ever mix wraith essence and black poppy," he warns them. "Ever." "Why would Morgaunt do this?" Raige bleats. "He wants you dead," Buttfuck duhs. Raige wrinkles her nose as Phoebe gapes.

Attic. Clanking. Piper offs Flunky, then nails one of the Bondage Queens. As she engages the remaining Bondage Queen, Morgaunt and Hairball lock swords to hiss at each other. "We made a deal!" Hairball spits. "I don't need you to get the sword anymore," Morgaunt taunts. "I've got her!" Morgaunt flips Hairball around to the remaining Bondage Queen's side, and Holly's stunt double takes them both out with one swipe of Excalibur. Morgaunt makes with the useless metaphysical babbling again -- this time about how Piper's become one with the sword, or something -- as Raige orbs in with Phoebe. They fill Piper in on the whole Morgaunt-tried-to-kill-us thing, but Piper, drunk with power, thinks they're just jealous. No, seriously. She frosts them with something along the lines of, "You think I can't handle it, don't you?" Phoebe urgently bats at Raige, so Raige tries to summon the sword from Piper's hands with her orbing telekinesis. The instant Piper realizes what's going on, though, she jerks the sword back, somehow knocking the orb off. "Don't ever do that again," Piper darkly warns, her tone downright glacial. "Your queen has spoken," Morgaunt smarms, before gathering Piper up in a swirling cloud and vanishing from the room. "Her Majesty has left the building," Phoebe snarks. Shut it, sow. "Or 'Her Madness,'" Raige amends, and Raige, honey, don't ever do that again. I mean, ow. That actually hurt.

When we return from the break, we discover that Piper's turned into Dungeon Mistress Barbie while we were away, and good God, that's a bad look for her. The quilted leather bustier and matching pants I could almost deal with, but the hiddy blouse she's sporting up top? It's got mutton sleeves, people. What were they thinking? Anyway, Piper stands next to the pentagrammed table with Excalibur lying before her, and as we already know that this is A Very Bad Deal For Piper, the subsequent scene is utterly lacking in tension. It also means that this dialogue about Piper creating a new world according to her own desire is pointless. Well, except for the part where it becomes clear that Morgaunt's just feeding her a line to get in her quilted leather pants. I'm assuming there's a point involved in that. They mack, but Morgaunt keeps his eyes open the entire time the way demons tend to do on this show, so it's not exactly The Sexy. As they kiss, he surreptitiously reaches for the sword. Unfortunately for Morgaunt, Excalibur's also pissed Atterton got to roll around on a couple of animal skins with Vaughn, so it glows up in a fit of jealous pique and slides across the table away from his hand. Morgaunt tenses in frustration. Piper, detecting his change in mood, pulls away to wonder what's wrong. He covers by announcing that it's time to gather her knights. Piper has some ideas, but Morgaunt shoots them down. He will "be [her] counsel," he insists, as he knows who will best serve her. "But they will not come easily," he cautions. Piper must "force them to join" her. Piper doesn't like the sound of that, but decides to play along for now.

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Charmed

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