Sword And The City

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | Grade It Now!
The Madness Of Tiny Gay Chris

ANY-way, it matters not, for the Dolt orbs in to interrupt everything with news of The Stoopid Family Reunion on the Manor's sun porch. Soon enough, we're following the trio back to the Manor, where Raige and the Dolt orb in with the Feebs to find that creepy-ass zombie fairy queen futzing with Excalibur's handle. Excalibur, unfortunately, does not hoist itself from its papier-mâché boulder to gut the little bitch. More's the pity. We do get a sort-of shout-out, however, when the glandular nightmare that is the Ogre dismissively refers to the Zombie Queen as a "pest." Raige eyes The Von Stoopid Family Singers and mumbles, "I was afraid this would happen." "You think you could have mentioned that?" Piper snaps from the dour depths of her wicker armchair. "We have got to get this thing out of [the Manor]," she grumbles. "[The Dolt]," she adds with a frosty glare, "refuses to orb it." "Hey," he pouts by way of response, "the Lady of the Lake came to the Charmed Ones for help. I'm not messing with that." "Oh, for God's sake!" Piper howls, rising to her feet. "If you will not get rid of it, then I will!" She storms over to the fake rock, shoves aside The Glandular Nightmare, and latches onto the sword to, I don't know, drag the whole thing into the backyard, or something. Of course, Excalibur instantly slides smoothly out of the papier-mâché boulder when she pulls on it. Of course. Gasps all around from the Stoopid on the sun porch, and yes, I'm including Phoebe and the Dolt in that statement. The various non-human Kreatures bow and scrape before Piper as a whirling funnel cloud drills down through the ceiling to disgorge Edward Atterton. Yes, they hired for this episode the guy who banged Julianna Margulies, Samantha Mathis, and Michael Vartan in The Mists Of Avalon. I'd call it inspired casting, were it not so fucking obvious. Besides, a quick glance at his résumé on the IMDb tells me that Eddie hasn't exactly been what you would call busy or anything. But whatever. He has some hellacious blue eyes, and in the absence of my husband this evening, I'll be taking whatever televised man candy I can get.

"I bet you didn't expect this when you got up this morning," Eddie smirks, crossing to Piper, who's rather awkwardly waving the blade around in the air. Eddie places his hands on Piper's shoulders and announces to the room, "The sword has chosen!" Phoebe claps a hand over her mouth and clutches at the Dolt in shock. "You are the new savior," Eddie breathes, leaning into Piper's ear, "the champion of good. The master of Excalibur." The Lead Dwarf rolls his eyes. Hee. "Welcome," Eddie finishes, "to your new destiny." Piper's response? "Oh, crap!" Unfortunately, the idiot editor cuts off her reaction shot so abruptly in favor of heading into the commercial break, we don't have time to laugh, like, it's called "timing," asswipe. Acquire a sense of it before you fuck up another goddamned joke.

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