Sword And The City

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | Grade It Now!
The Madness Of Tiny Gay Chris

I hate this show.

Back from the break, Phoebe escorts the Lead Dwarf to the front door. He waddles slowly across the threshold, super-speeds three steps forward to sniff at one of the improbable roses on the trellis, then super-speeds off. No, I have no idea why that effects sequence was necessary, but I'm assuming they discovered they had money to burn on this one once they decided to give Drew Fuller the week off, and to that I say: Fewer effects, more pretty boys. Thanks. Back in the parlor, Piper moodily insists that there must be some sort of mistake. As if in response, Excalibur slides across the coffee table to nudge her hand. "Stop that!" she barks. Heh. "It's drawn to you," Eddie claims, "just like you're drawn to it." Piper shuts him down with a few quippy remarks, one of them being, "I don't have time to play Queen Arthur!" Edward Atterton stares at her all, "Was that a slam, missy? 'Cause I'll have you know that threeway was Vartan's idea." That line's also amusing because Raige enters immediately after it, toting Tiny Gay Chris over to his father, and if you don't know who this episode's real Queen Arthur is from that blocking choice, you've never seen television before. Especially when Raige enthuses that Piper's "The Chosen One," which, if I remember correctly, is a moniker once bestowed upon the wee Done One now slouching like a boneless wad of flesh in the Dolt's lap. Oh, wow. I'm sorry. "Boneless wad of flesh in the Dolt's lap" is quite simply vile and uncalled for, isn't it? And yet, I refuse to delete it from the recap. Hmmm. In any event, Raige urges "Merlin" to regale them all with tales of the true Camelot. "Actually, the name's Mordaunt," Eddie corrects her. "Merlin was just a fairy tale." I'll be calling him Morgaunt, because Eddie could use a sandwich. Also: "Fairy tale"? Snorf. Stop it with the gay, people. We get it. Morgaunt here got to feel up Vaughn, and we all hate him for it, so let's just put it all behind us and get on with the episode, okay? Phoebe wonders if Morgaunt's a wizard, and continuity just took a double hit in the space of two lines of dialogue. As you'll no doubt remember Monkey Boy was the last of his kind, and he also called Merlin "a hack." Fuck it. If the writers can't remember this stuff, there's no reason I should anymore. Morgaunt, in any event, claims he's not a wizard, but rather "a humble teacher in service of the sword." If that overly obsequious self-definition doesn't set off any alarms amongst the Manor Morons, nothing will.

Morgaunt goes on to warn of Hairball, but the ladies assure him that they've already prepared a vanquish. Upon learning of the ingredients -- mandrake and griffin's blood, if you care -- Morgaunt dismisses it as inadequate, and conjures a piece of parchment delineating a far more complicated potion. "I've never even heard of half these ingredients," Phoebe admits, running a finger down the sheet of paper. The Dolt, suspicious, shoots Phoebe A Look, so she activates her Fucking Backup Band. Unfortunately, she "can't get a read" on Morgaunt. He allows that their suspicions are to be expected, but urges them to focus on the potion, for if he can't get Piper up to speed on her swordplay, the vanquish will be the only thing protecting them from the Hairball. "Where are we supposed to get the ingredients?" Phoebe worries. "Leave it to me, your trusty assistant," Raige snarks, grabbing onto Phoebe's arm and orbing upwards. The Dolt, meanwhile, orbs up to Whitelighterland with Tiny Gay Chris to consult with the other ever-useless Elders. Piper, now alone with Morgaunt, rises from the sofa with the sword and twirls it around experimentally. Morgaunt conjures a smoking scimitar of his own, and shouts, "En garde!" They fight, with Piper rather expertly parrying Morgaunt's various thrusts. Yes, it sounds gross, but that's just because I've been cracking crass dick jokes for the last two paragraphs. Also, you have a filthy mind. Morgaunt blithers some Yoda-esque crap about Piper letting Excalibur's Force flow through her or something before we cut to…

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