P3, and the scene I've been dreading for weeks. Phoebe, working those Satanic shellacked bangs of hers while lounging on a sofa, grins as Ken Marino squirms through the gyrating crowd on the dance floor with a couple of cocktails. Many of you will remember Mr. Marino from his days as the inappropriate professor on Dawson’s Creek. No, not the inappropriate Media Studies professor -- the inappropriate English professor. No, not Flip-Flops. Sigh. The inappropriate English professor from last season. The one Joey was going to bone the night she met The Bantering Bandit? Yeah. That one. Anyway, I'll let you in on a little secret: I hate Ken Marino. Hate. Him. And do you want to know why? He looks like Gonzo from The Muppet Show. No, seriously! The glazed, glassy eyes plus the beaky nose, along with the nonexistent jawline and chin, equals Gonzo. Terribly lookist, I realize, and I should be deeply ashamed of myself. Which I'm certain I would be, if I gave a rat's ass about Mr. Marino or his career. I've actually been wanting him to disappear since his days on The State, and that was a show I enjoyed. Now, you toss Gonzo here onto Charmed as a love interest for the Feebs? I'm going to pop an aneurysm, I swear to God. And while I'm busy not recapping what is certain to be a stroke-inducing love scene between Phoebe and Gonzo, I might as well hammer out a quick note to Phoebe. Dear Feebs: I realize you've had that whole chop-socky thing going for a good four years now, but that's no reason to abuse the anabolic steroids. Put those wide-bore needles down before you grow a beard, okay? I criticize because I care! Kisses, Demian.
Fine. Well. Let's get this over with, shall we? Gonzo and the Feebs try to one-up each other with messy divorce stories before Piper pops up to drag Phoebe into the office for a witchy confab. Scene.
Hey, that wasn't so bad after all. I think.
"This better be good," Phoebe growls as Piper shoves her through the office door. She takes one look at Cole and sneers, "You've got to be kidding me." Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing when I took a look at that blouse you're barely wearing. Phoebe's clad in an asymmetrical, single-sleeved teal top that hangs from her bony shoulders on a couple of straps like a shroud. Teal, people. Between the shroud and the overdone eye make-up and the Phoebangs and the incongruous Angela Basset biceps, she looks like a ghoul. Poor Cole. You really should have run off with Seven Of Bettie when you had the chance, pal. Anyway, while Cole explains his hallucinations, Barbas whispers sweet nothings into Phoebe's ear. When his spectral form flickers in beside her, I notice that his method of transportation actually involves the insertion of the color print's negative for a couple of frames. This of course means the teal shroud flickers orange for a bit, which is a vast improvement. Anything's better than teal, you know what I mean? So, while Cole babbles, Barbas murmurs, "This could be your worst fear come to life -- Cole dragging you back to his world of evil." Phoebe stares into the middle distance, mesmerized for a moment by the demon's nattering, but snaps to when she realizes everyone's waiting for her response. No one can see the demon, of course, so from the others' perspective, Phoebe's just staring slackjawed into space. Heh. "I'm not going to allow you to drag me back into your world of evil," Phoebe eventually parrots. Cole protests that he simply wants her help. "Careful!" Barbas sing-songs. "It's another one of his tricks to get you back!" Phoebe dutifully recycles this as, "How do I know this isn't another one of your tricks to get me back?" Barbas smirks and flickers out. Cole's further protests fall on deaf ears. He will not be receiving assistance from Phoebe. Ever. Cole sighs dejectedly and smears out. Once he's gone, Raige rises to argue his case, and Piper agrees with her. Phoebe's still not having it, insisting that from now on, Cole's problems are his own. Phoebe exits to "salvage what remains of [her] date." Raige rolls her eyes while puckering her garish magenta-toned lips.