Charmed
That Old Black Magic

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That Old Black Magic

Foyer. JW says he's "ready." Tuatha appears before them. Prue tells Pheebs to hurl the sleeping potion at her. She does. It only draws a Parker Posey-ish fake yawn from Tuatha. She throws a potion at Phoebe and Pheebs collapses into a deep sleep along with Leo, who hits his head on the way down. Then she throws a potion at the hard Ps, and they turn to stone (shout out?) from the waist down. Tuatha then demands that JW give her the -- ahem -- wand and it flings itself out of his hands into hers, its -- titter, titter -- bulbous tip glowing. She ranks on Johnny Wand about being weaker than the Chosen One who was able to entomb her. Piper tells Prue to use the "courage" potion on Johnny Wand. Prue throws the vial of water at JW and it breaks at his feet. Of course, the nimrod buys it. After twenty-three minutes of JW and Tuatha desperately reaching for the -- ahem -- wand dangling on the piano wire between them, the -- ahem -- wand chooses JW and he uses it to banish Tuatha into a bad "I'm melting! I'm melting!" special effect. I regret Tuatha's passing because the show could use a recurring villain played by a beautiful actress with a flair for guile and bitchery, but if that means Johnny Wand would have to return also -- so be it.

Aftemath. Having served its purpose, the -- titter, titter -- head of the -- ahem -- wand is broken. The hard Ps are freed. Cut to Phoebe moaning and snoring and rolling around like she's having a pleasant dream, or rather, Alyssa Milano proving that she can mug even while unconscious. Piper goes to get some ice for Leo. Leo shoos her away, because he's "fine." Piper: "Are you getting even?" Leo, drifting in from Awkward Segueville: "No, I'm just finally getting it." He's realized that her decision to date Dan is what she "deserves -- a normal life." While I ponder whether Leo's blessing is a back-handed "be careful what you wish for" slam, he orbs out down the K-Mart aisle in his blue light. Cut to JW holding his broken -- ahem -- wand. Prue breaks the news that there was no courage spell. Johnny Wand never had courage, and he never will -- he'll always be a pathetic loser, relying on pity and self-delusion to survive life's monumental adversities and ultimately failing. Actually, she just reiterates the "believe in yourself" blather.

P3AD Nightclub. Establishing shot shows crowds clamoring to get in, and I for one am tired of having to believe that it's a rednecks-at-a-white-sock sale every time the doors fly open. The Ps enter the bar -- Phoebe in red, Piper in cream, and Prue in (natch) black. Prue says she's meeting Jack so she can give him the -- ahem -- wand. Pheebs wonders if she'll tell him "where it's been." Ahem, EW! Prue states emphatically that "it's just business." ["Um -- oh, forget it." -- Sars] Then she asks how she looks. Truth be told, she looks pretty good in her pedal-pushers and diamond-cut halter top ensemble. She greets Jack at the bar. He's very glad to get the -- ahem -- wand from her but is very upset that the -- titter, titter -- head is broken. Prue says that the -- ahem -- wand is now "at least worth what you were going to buy it for." He asks her to have a (euphemism) drink with her. She accepts. Cut to a menial leading Dan to the curtained-off VIP alcove of the club. It must stand for Very Ignorant Piper, because she waiting inside for him. He confesses that he's been worried that she's still seeing Leo. She tells him that it's officially over between them. They mack. The show ends, but you can probably act the rest out using a purse and a snake or a cave and a flashlight and a copy of Freud's Interpretation of Dreams.

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Charmed

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