That Old Black Magic

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Owen: D | Grade It Now!
That Old Black Magic

Apartment house. Old Lady brings out a tea tray. The magic dust bunny flies in the window and turns into the, um, snake. Old Lady freaks and tries to use the -- ahem -- wand to defend herself. Tuatha appears and thanks the, um, snake for finding her -- ahem -- wand. Tuatha declares, "My wand." She reaches out her hand and it flies to her. Its -- titter, titter -- tip glows. Old Lady asks who she is. Tuatha says she's the "last being you'll ever see." Old Lady is toast.

Hallway. Prue hears the ruckus. She bursts into the apartment. Old Lady explodes into a ball of light. Tuatha points the -- ahem -- wand at Prue. Prue gives Tuatha a telekinetic bitch-slap, grabs the -- ahem -- wand and sees the, um, snake. She books out of there. Tuatha gets up and is very pissed. She won't follow Prue, because Prue's "a good witch and will come back to [her]." Tuatha picks up her, um, snake and, uh, strokes it.

At Sears, parents can gladly pay Disney for the great privilege of having their child photographed in front of an advertisement for their holiday film release Toy Story 2. Think of the memories! Honey, remember when Timmy was four and we let him shill for the Mouse?

Halliwell Manor. Same day. Leo, Phoebe, Piper, and Johnny Wand are sitting at a table in the sunroom, all wearing bowler hats and smoking large cigars. Kidding. Actually, they're filling JW in on his destiny as a baton twirler. It's evident that the guy playing JW has all of the charisma of a young Craig Wasson. If that reference sent you immediately to the archive, then -- my point, exactly. Piper wails on Leo some more about trying not to freak JW out. Johnny Wand, natch, gets freaked out. Pheebs tries to explain that "you can't fight your destiny -- it's who you are." Leo tells him that his destiny is to defeat Tuatha. JW thinks the three have been "put up to this" by one of his brothers. He exclaims, "I'm not the Chosen One! I'm no one!" Word, you low rent Luke Skywalker. Piper looks at JW with pity. JW makes a dash for the door, just as Prue enters holding the -- ahem -- wand aloft. When JW passes in front of it, the -- titter, titter -- tip glows. Leo says, "It's your [ahem] wand. It has to be. It recognizes you, Johnny Wand." Phew. I managed to type that up while keeping a straight face. Piper asks Prue where she got it. Prue wants to tell them in private. The group lets her know that they know about Tuatha. Phoebe tells Prue to let JW hold the -- ahem -- wand. Cut to another time-padding oh-so-unsuspenseful Montage Of Close-ups: Prue! Piper! Prue! Leo! Prue gives JW the -- ahem -- wand. Leo: "Go ahead, it won't hurt you." BWA HA HA! I guess he'll tell him not to worry about the hairy-knuckle myth later. Prue finally hands JW the -- ahem -- wand. Its -- titter, titter -- head glows as JW holds it in front of his bug-eyed visage. Prue calls Leo and the docile Ps up to a processing summit in the attic. JW, getting into the -- ahem -- wand-holding experience, says he'll stay -- but he doesn't know how [air-quote] long.

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