The Fifth Halliwheel

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | Grade It Now!
Five More Reasons To Hate The Dolt

The One-Eyed Wonder Moon hangs in the night sky above San Francisco. In the offices of The Bay Mirror, Phoebe asks Piper how one spells "oblique." Molly tears into the front room and pounds a copyboy to the floor. Phoebe, unconcerned, taps away at Molly's computer. Piper lures Molly into her own office and slams the door just as Phoebe sends her article to the printer. Once Molly realizes she's been tricked, she spews acid from her hands at the Glamorous Ladies. Piper slides to one side as Phoebe dodges the spray by leaping sideways onto the wall. Molly's monitor melts. Piper freezes the demented dispenser of advice and tosses a vial at Phoebe, ordering her to forcibly pour the contents down Molly's throat if she has to. As Elise approaches to collect Molly's assignment, the Dolt blocks the door with his own body. Piper unfreezes Molly and holds her down as Phoebe dumps the potion into Molly's mouth. Molly collapses into a couch and, presently, the power ball emerges from her body to float away. The Dolt finally allows Elise entry, and she immediately barks out an order for Molly's copy. Phoebe hands over a sheaf of papers. Elise scans the first item and snorts in amusement. "You should be sick more often," she tells Molly. "This is good stuff." Of course. Of course that's what she says. Having thus informed the audience that Phoebe is a writer of no small talent, Elise spins on her heel and stomps away. Molly graciously thanks an overjoyed Phoebe for saving her ass.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Sole hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death over a terrified Raige's head. It splinters through the roof of the attic. With a flick of his hand, the roof repairs itself. All the while, The Sole soothingly mouths innocuous questions like "What's the matter?" and "Are you sure you're okay?" Raige scrambles away from him on her hands and knees, weeping and wailing and gnashing her teeth. Rose McGowan is doing a pretty damn good job with Raige's slide into the snake pit here. If I neglected to mention that Julian McMahon is also quite skilled at The Sole's brand of sadistic menace, it's because we already knew that. Anyway, the scene carries on like this for a bit, with The Sole pleading choirboy innocence while pulling choice goodies out of The Big Bag Of Demonic Tricks while Raige whimpers on the floor in terror, desperately and futilely willing away what she's seeing. Phoebe rings The Sole's cell phone from The Mirror, and he effortlessly smooth-talks her into meeting him at the Mark. He also manages to persuade Piper and the Dolt to orb immediately to the hotel in Hawaii. Raige cowers beneath a desk. After The Sole hangs up, Raige sprints wildly towards the door. The Sole stops her dead in her tracks by blazing up in front of her. Whatever composure Raige had left shatters and she meekly bleats, "Stop it. Why are you doing this to me?" "What's the matter?" he asks coolly. "Seeing things?" He turns and strides out of the attic, slamming the door shut behind him. Raige loudly and extravagantly loses her shit, barreling through the room, smashing furniture with her hands. She finally flings open her fingers at the dollhouse, which explodes into shrapnel when white bolts of electricity shoot from her palms. Raige gazes bleakly at her own hands and collapses in tears to the floor. Raige's low-slung jeans magically morph into plumber pants as she curls up into the fetal position on the Oriental rug and her ass crack greets the commercial break.

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