Raige: "So, you think Cole won the lottery or something?"
Phoebe: "I know I did."
Raige, the entire animate population of the North American continent, and several of the more clever varieties of mold: "Ecch."
Down in Hell, The Sole blazes into the Chamber Of D'Eartha. "I was with the entire family," he snipes as he strides across the room. "Have you lost your mind?" D'Eartha begs forgiveness for her ill-advised trek topside, but she requires The Sole's presence "if [her] ritual is to take effect." D'Eartha fiddles with a steaming cauldron suspended from a large wooden tripod adorned with goat skulls as The Sole pours himself a highball from a silver ewer. Okay, listen up, people. D'Eartha's about to offload a garbage scow of exposition onto your heads, and she wants you to pay attention. "Tomorrow's harvest moon will be your one chance to impregnate your wife," D'Eartha tells The Sole. Wrong! Sorry, D'Eartha. Try again. The "harvest moon" is the full moon closest to the autumnal equinox. The moon closest to the vernal equinox is the "worm moon." Distasteful, I realize, especially given the current situation, as the name could easily lend itself to jokes of the "one-eyed wonder worm" variety. On that awful note, I'll point out that November's full moon is the "beaver," and move this along. According to D'Eartha, the power of the moon combined with her potion will make Phoebe "fertile to demon seed." It will also "override any preventative measures [Phoebe's] taken." I assume D'Eartha refers to the Pill here, and can you imagine that nitwit Phoebe tangling with the Pill's complicated regimen? Of course, there are other options, but I don't need to imagine Phoebe's uterus spontaneously expelling an IUD once she's swallowed D'Eartha's potion. And I just saw this Rachel Griffiths movie on HBO where Griffiths's character struggles in the bathroom to insert a cervical cap for a good five minutes, and that certainly isn't an image I need to associate with Alyssa Milano at this juncture. Damn. Anyway, D'Eartha will blend the potion into a batch of chocolate. The Sole must feed Phoebe the chocolate the next morning, then "finish the job when the moon is high in the night sky." If everything works as it should, "the evil spawn growing inside [Phoebe] will influence her own evil leanings so that when she does discover the truth [about The Sole], she will bend to [his] will." "She will bend to her love for me," Cole smirks, and I just got a mental image of Alyssa Milano bending That Way, and this is all far too disturbing for a pre-credits sequence. D'Eartha approaches The Sole with a dagger, drags it across his palm, and leads The Sole to the cauldron. The Sole spills a dozen drops of his blood onto a goat skull in the cauldron, and we head into the opening credits.
Hey. Whatever happened to their damn cat, anyway?