The Fifth Halliwheel

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Five More Reasons To Hate The Dolt

THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Raige plays with her hair and groans, "I still don't trust him!" Lila The Grunge Queen silently examines her fingernails for dirt, desperately resisting the urge to eviscerate Raige for flaunting her ability to wear horizontal stripes to the office. The actress playing The Grunge Queen is from Chicago, by the way, and was one of my ex-boyfriend's passel of friends from high school. However, I promised not to drop the dime on her in my recaps, so no tales of LSD-fueled shoplifting sprees will be found here. Joke! That was a joke! Becky Wahlstrom is a lovely and talented lady, and every single casting agent reading this should give her serious consideration for prominent roles in upcoming feature film projects. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Raige phoned Wolfman, Carteris, and Klart and discovered that The Sole was being truthful about the new job. Lila fails to see the significance of all this. Raige bleats that "there's something off" about The Sole, and she intends to "keep an eye on him." Lila pffts and zeroes in on an Etch-A-Sketch as Phoebe calls from the Jeep to arrange for Raige to meet the others at the Manor in order to address the Molly Hagan situation.

Manor. D'Eartha growls, "What do you mean, 'She wouldn't eat it'?" The Sole explains Phoebe's failure to partake from The Threatening Box Of Confectionery Portent. D'Eartha considers this for a moment, then notes that the potion should be strong enough to ensure the proper results if Phoebe takes it within the hour. The potion must "gestate," you see, before The Sole nails Phoebe that evening. Piper and Phoebe unexpectedly barge through the front door with Molly in tow. The Sole waves a hand over D'Eartha, morphing her up into a stocky, bald marshmallow of a man in a cheap suit with an earring. D'Eartha's going to be pissed when she sees what he's done to her. Phoebe and Piper splutter a couple of code words at The Sole, who passes off the stranger as one of his law clerks. He instructs the D'Erk to head back to the office. The D'Erk mumbles, "Excuse me," and makes for the door. He pauses in front of the hall mirror, glances at his reflection, and lets loose with a barely perceptible roll of the eyes. Snicker. Then he steps onto the front porch and rays down to Hell.

Meanwhile, Phoebe and Piper introduce Molly as "Karen Young" and ease her onto a sofa in the parlor. Molly attempts to relate her version of the incident in the alleyway, but breaks down into a neurotic, wracking series of sobs. Piper promises they will do their best to help her as Phoebe drags The Sole into the hallway for a chat. She fills him in on her premonition and adds, "We might have to postpone this evening, baby." The Sole protests mightily. When Phoebe reminds him that the interests of the stray innocents they drag back to the Manor trump all other concerns, he immediately backs off and hastily agrees with her. He retrieves a bulbous Portent from its box on a nearby table and offers it to Phoebe by way of apology. Um. I thought he left those in the car. Whatever. Phoebe hesitates for a beat, then bites into it. "Mmmm," she moans, and attaches her lips to his. Piper interrupts this unseemly display and asks The Sole to guard Molly while she and Phoebe head to the attic for a little research in the Book of Shadows. As Piper passes The Threatening Box Of Confectionery Portent, she grabs one of the candies and shoves it into her mouth. "Uh, Piper?" The Sole starts, then thinks the better of it and allows her to swallow the Portent. "For some reason, I suddenly can't wait to go on my honeymoon," Piper notes as she drags Phoebe up the stairs. The Sole smirks and stifles a chuckle. Well, somebody had to laugh at that joke, I suppose.

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