First off, many thanks to Djb for covering for me last week. Welcome to my hell, pal. Sorry you couldn't stay, but I know how busy the Roswell Circle of Hell Dante somehow neglected to mention keeps you. Oh, and by the way: leave Julian McMahon alone in the future. There are some things that just can't be explained, I suppose. Don't get me started on Simon from Go.

This week's "This week on Charmed" segment ends with "And now, an all-new Charmed, directed by Shannen Doherty." The woman in question lies back on an ottoman in front of the "WB Thursday" sign, looking very smug and pleased with herself. Honey, I've already seen this episode twice. With all of those slow-motion shots you inserted, I'd say it would be more accurate to claim you directed a third of an episode rather than a full one, so wipe that self-satisfied grin off your face. Now.

The crow from The Stand flutters his way down onto the branch of a dead tree. I wait for the Blue Oyster Cult to crank up on the soundtrack and look for the poor, doomed Campion family as they frantically scramble to escape the Super Flu in their beat-up Pinto. All I get is some new-age tootling on a flute and a Lexus winding its way through a very dead ghost town. Dammit. As the Lexus pulls to a stop in the middle of the ghost town's main drag, Chuckles the Crow caws and flutters up and away from the scene. Good thinking on Chuckles's part, as the Lexus doors open to reveal Phoebe and her father, Victor. "All right, Dad," Phoebe says. "Spill it. What are we doing here?" Victor protests that he just wanted some "quality time" with his youngest daughter, but Phoebe's not having it. She's inherited a lot of her father's attributes, she claims, including his penchant for "fibbing." They link arms and walk casually down the dirt street, chuckling. Victor takes his turn at this week's unnecessary exposition, asking Phoebe for the 411 on the Dolt. Upon hearing the Dolt met Piper when he was working as "a handyman" around the manor, Victor mutters some doubts about his little girl's taste for the blue-collar type. Daddy Dearest, there is a host of things you should have a problem with as far as the Dolt is concerned, but the color of his collar on the job should most certainly not be included in that. Phoebe blithers on about how the Dolt isn't just helpful around the house, but Victor cuts her short with, "Believe me, it's much better for a mortal to know he's marrying a witch before the wedding instead of after." That low-wattage bulb that resides in the deep recesses of Phoebe's brain glows a bit as she repeats, "Mortal," and adds, "Right."