The gals then tediously recite lessons from the first page of Charmed For Simps when the Feebs too-casually suggests that Piper abuse the Book of Shadows for a temporary solution to P3's problems. Piper laboriously reminds us all of the prohibition against personal gain, allowing Phoebe to pout that dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell can use power for personal gain any time they feel like it and "It's not fair!" and could somebody please move the plot along a little bit? Anyone? They're ignoring me again. A bit of Feeb-tastic baby talk directed at the percolating infant follows before Phoebe darts off to deal with The Bay Mirror's lawyers. Piper rises to leave as well, but Raige detains her long enough to underscore The Cole Issue yet again. Once Piper goes, Raige prepares to change back into her street clothes. A stocky uniformed officer raps at her door. "[Raige] Matthews?" he asks. "You're under arrest." DUN!
Stately Jackman, Carter & Kline. Up in Cole's corner office, the bald gentleman smugs that Raige has been arrested for "felony hit-and-run." "She's going down," he grins. The gentleman's juvenile reference to fellatio proves too much for my still-traumatized brain to process, so let's take a moment to decide on a nickname for the henchdemon of the week. Since he bears a passing resemblance to Michael Boatman, why don't we refer to him as "The Mole"? What's that? Well, of course Kathy Griffin is the actual mole this time around -- I mean, the other "celebrities" involved barely have an entire brain between them -- but you know what? "The Mole" is easier to type than "The Bald Demonic Underling Who Sort Of Looks Like The Guy From Spin City If You Whack Yourself Repeatedly In The Head With The Remote And Squint Sideways At The TV Screen," so deal.
Anyway, The Mole adds that their "guys" are in place at P3 in anticipation of the health inspector's visit. Cole tents his fingers and murmurs, "Excellent." Okay, he doesn't, but he is most pleased to learn everything is proceeding as planned. The Mole enthuses that attacking the Charmed Ones through more-or-less legal methods smacks of genius, and believes the gals won't unravel the cunning plot before it destroys them. Cole believes otherwise, but he doesn't care. His goal, you see, is to assume control of the Manor, and with it the "spiritual nexus" upon which the Manor is built. He even has a set of blueprints featuring the Manor's front elevation and the location of the Nexus in the basement. For those of you who don't remember the backstory -- and honestly, I'm surprised the writers do -- the Nexus represents some sort of neutral, yet powerful, physical intersection between the realms of good and evil. A never-named Glamorous foremother acquired the property to ensure that the Nexus didn't fall into the wrong hands, and the Halliwells have been living above it ever since. As Cole explains, the Nexus gives whomever controls it a power boost. By acquiring the Manor and dispossessing the Ps, Cole hopes to tap into that power boost so that evil will spread on earth. He's also aware of the Nexus's effect on the Manor-born Feebs, and believes that an evil-directed Nexus will lead to an evil Phoebe, and thus will Cole save his marriage. The Mole shoots Cole the same dubious side-eye I'm sending his way. The Mole was under the impression that Cole hoped to reorganize the Underworld aboveground, not score with the ex-wife. Cole bluffs a bit about how the Underworld needs a happy leader and how his path to happiness involves the Feebs and how blah blah blah blah BLAH. It's a good thing they're (spoiler!) killing Cole off next week, because this obsessive love pony was beaten to death midway through the fourth season, and I simply can't dredge up a shard of interest in any of it anymore.