Stately Jackman, Carter & Kline. Up in Cole's corner office, the bald gentleman smugs that Raige has been arrested for "felony hit-and-run." "She's going down," he grins. The gentleman's juvenile reference to fellatio proves too much for my still-traumatized brain to process, so let's take a moment to decide on a nickname for the henchdemon of the week. Since he bears a passing resemblance to Michael Boatman, why don't we refer to him as "The Mole"? What's that? Well, of course Kathy Griffin is the actual mole this time around -- I mean, the other "celebrities" involved barely have an entire brain between them -- but you know what? "The Mole" is easier to type than "The Bald Demonic Underling Who Sort Of Looks Like The Guy From Spin City If You Whack Yourself Repeatedly In The Head With The Remote And Squint Sideways At The TV Screen," so deal.
Anyway, The Mole adds that their "guys" are in place at P3 in anticipation of the health inspector's visit. Cole tents his fingers and murmurs, "Excellent." Okay, he doesn't, but he is most pleased to learn everything is proceeding as planned. The Mole enthuses that attacking the Charmed Ones through more-or-less legal methods smacks of genius, and believes the gals won't unravel the cunning plot before it destroys them. Cole believes otherwise, but he doesn't care. His goal, you see, is to assume control of the Manor, and with it the "spiritual nexus" upon which the Manor is built. He even has a set of blueprints featuring the Manor's front elevation and the location of the Nexus in the basement. For those of you who don't remember the backstory -- and honestly, I'm surprised the writers do -- the Nexus represents some sort of neutral, yet powerful, physical intersection between the realms of good and evil. A never-named Glamorous foremother acquired the property to ensure that the Nexus didn't fall into the wrong hands, and the Halliwells have been living above it ever since. As Cole explains, the Nexus gives whomever controls it a power boost. By acquiring the Manor and dispossessing the Ps, Cole hopes to tap into that power boost so that evil will spread on earth. He's also aware of the Nexus's effect on the Manor-born Feebs, and believes that an evil-directed Nexus will lead to an evil Phoebe, and thus will Cole save his marriage. The Mole shoots Cole the same dubious side-eye I'm sending his way. The Mole was under the impression that Cole hoped to reorganize the Underworld aboveground, not score with the ex-wife. Cole bluffs a bit about how the Underworld needs a happy leader and how his path to happiness involves the Feebs and how blah blah blah blah BLAH. It's a good thing they're (spoiler!) killing Cole off next week, because this obsessive love pony was beaten to death midway through the fourth season, and I simply can't dredge up a shard of interest in any of it anymore.
And yet am I to receive any relief from this storyline? No, for the object of Cole's affection perks into the office at this moment, toting a basket of wine with the Fun Bags flimsily attired in a tan bikini bra. She tramps past The Mole and shoves her tongue down Cole's throat. Cole pushes her away and snits, "Kaia!" K'Feebs morphs into K'Amaya and mopes, "Damn! How did you know it was me?" He saw the previews like everybody else, you nitwit. Actually, Cole claims that the real Phoebe hates him, doesn't drink, and doesn't use so much tongue when they kiss. Whatever, Cole. I mean, yes, Phoebe supposedly hates you, but we've seen her cocktailing, and I've been subjected to scores of Feeb-centric mack sessions wherein I fully expected her tongue to shoot through the back of her paramour's skull. In any event, K'Amaya simpers and fiddles with her hair as The Mole berates her for following a trick out of the stripper bar. Cole eases himself into a chair and patronizes that K'Amaya's got a little crush on him. The Mole begs to differ, asserting that "Kieran demons are manipulative vixens, and this one has an agenda that goes way beyond 'a little crush.'" "Vixens"? Oh, Mole. You manipulative minx, you. There's some blather about K'Amaya tasting power and wanting it for herself, during which I try very hard not to suppose it's something else K'Amaya tastes because she neglected to rinse out her mouth after the pre-credits lap dance. As you can guess, I failed. The Mole orders K'Amaya gone, so she spins around to boob out in a frustrated pout. "Not like that!" Cole shouts, rising from his chair. "Go out the way you came in!" "On. Your. KNEES!" I immediately add, and if you recognize that reference, be sure to say hello the next time you catch me at Showtunes. K'Amaya pauses at the door, morphs back into K'Feebs, and coos, "You want me. I can feel it." The appalled Mole clutches his pearls and breathes, "Insolent!" Oh, fine: Hee!