Charmed
The Jung And The Restless

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The Three Stigmata Of Chrissssty Retard

...immediately snaps awake in the real world, with Phoebe doing the same not a second later. They scramble to their feet -- not an easy task for the freshly pregnant Holly Marie Combs who, I should note, is already showing -- and exit in search of Raige as Chrisssssty and The Ultimate Retard emerge from their hiding place in the main parlor to watch them go. "It'ssss not wrong to want what they want," Maggot Neck opinessss. "It is when they've got the kind of powers they do," Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty counters, "and when they use those powers to get what they want at the expense of all else." This, incidentally, has been Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty's point all along, but I think I forgot to mention it earlier because CANCELLED! "Somebody's got to stop them before it's too late," Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty concludes, shooting A Look Fraught With Significance at her maggoty-necked sister. The Ultimate Retard pauses for effect. Or, rather, "effect." "I know," she agreessss. DUN!

TWoP Towers. Photogenically dying Raige still manages a grunt of anguish when Scudworth yanks the remaining projectile from her back. "No need to waste good arrows," he smiles, admiring their gory tips, and what does it say about this show that the demons are the ones who recycle? Whatever! CANCELLED! Scudworth savors victory for a moment as Piper and Phoebe arrive in the chamber upon swirling clouds of glowing golf balls. "You're too late!" he giggles. Piper just rolls her eyes and deploys the Mighty Hands Of Discontent on his smug ass. STAMOS! Once Scudworth's gone boom, the arrivals race to Raige's side. There's little they can do but fret and mope. Thank Elderland, then, for Mikelle, whose reincarnated Whitelightery form orbs onto the dirt next to her rapidly cooling corpse to apply the tingly touch to the gaping wound in Raige's back. It takes a little time -- Raige was mostly dead, you know -- but presently both wound and stretchy yellow ribbed tank are healed, and Raige pushes herself up from the floor to express her gratitude. The Ever-Useless Elders summon Mikelle back to Whitelighterland, and so up she orbs, Raige watching her go with a broad smile on her face.

The Closing Travelogue swings us above the nighttime city for a while before cross-fading over to the Manor façade, and oh, wow. When's the last time the Glamorous Ladies gathered at the end of the episode to dispense with The Lessons Of The Week? It's been a while, I can tell you that. Flames flicker in the main parlor's fireplace as the camera pans past Raige sipping from a mug of something soothing while curled up on one of the sofas. Phoebe and Piper enter from the hall to see how their lippy bastard of a half-sister is doing after coming so close to death. "I guess I'm okay, considering," Raige shrugs. "Considering what?" Piper leads. "Considering that I was supposed to save my charge and instead she wound up saving me," comes the reply. "Maybe [The Ultimate Retard's] right," Raige breathes. "Maybe we are selfish." "Wanting a life doesn't make us selfish," Phoebe vehemently disagrees, like, go figure that sentiment's coming from the hag, "it makes us normal." "Well, we're not normal," Raige counters, echoing the glorious Grams. "We're 'The Charmed Ones,'" she continues, gifting their official title with a couple of uncharacteristically sardonic air quotes. "Nobody said we had to be that for the rest of our lives," Piper claims. "It's not written in stone." And we'll go with that for now, partly because of The Original Angel Of Destiny's testimony on the matter and partly because I'm too damned tired to dispute much of anything at this point in the recap, but mainly because CANCELLED! "I'd say we've done enough," Piper reasons, "and that doesn't make us evil." "I think it does, from [Maggot Neck] and [Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty's] warped point of view," Raige sighs before wondering, "So what are we gonna do?" "We're gonna stop them," Phoebe calmly vows, "before they stop us." Piper flicks her eyes in Phoebe's direction, all, "Took you long enough, you stupid bitch!" as we finally fade to black.

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Charmed

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