Charmed
The Jung And The Restless

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The Three Stigmata Of Chrissssty Retard

...topside, where we find Raige ushering Mikelle into the Manor foyer. Mikelle, quite naturally, has many questions about witches and "Blacklighters" and whatnot, but Raige is far too busy to deal with all that at the moment, so she orders her soon-to-be-dead charge onto one of the parlor sofas while she herself heads up to the nonexistent attic to investigate the source of an explosion, the sound of which has just hit their ears. Gangly Mikelle lopes into the adjacent room as Raige disappears up the stairs.

Nonexistent Attic. Raige arrives to discover Piper's demolished a dress form with a vial of something lethal, and wonders what gives. Piper just stares at her lippy bastard of a half-sister, all, "What the hell do you think gives, fool?" "Oh, Piper," Raige chides, but Piper's having none of it. "Sooner or later you [and Phoebe] are gonna realize that it's us or them," she eyebrows, referring of course to The Sisters Retard, "and I, for one, would like to be ready." Then Raige gets a line that makes me hate her more than I've hated her in a very long time: "You can't just vanquish [Maggot Neck] and [Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty] -- for one thing, it's illegal." What the fuck ever. The illegality of slaughtering human beings sure as hell didn't stop you and Phoebe from offing Rick Gittridge two years ago, so SHUT THE FUCK UP, RAIGE. Jesus! CHRIST! Piper's on my side, thank God, and, likely mindful of the exact same incident, snorts with withering amounts of derision, "That the best you got?" Raige counters by mentioning Piper's desire to retrieve the Doltsicle from The Angel Of Teasley's great big Sub-Zero in the sky, leading Piper to exasperate, "You know, I'm tired of everyone using that against me like it diminishes my credibility, because it doesn't!" and you go, Piper Halliwell. Screw getting a damned consensus on this decision with your idiot sisters and just blow Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty and The Retard right the fuck up already. And wouldn't you know it? She just might do it. Hooray! Piper pockets a vial of the Power of Three potion she'd been preparing and storms out of the nonexistent room. Mugs McGowan twitches something utterly unimportant as the camera cuts over to...

...The Hagquarters, where The Ultimate Retard's just now arriving for her cou-à-tête with the Feebs. This should be riveting. Not. After much tiresome blathering, they eventually begin to reach the point of the scene when Phoebe waves her hands around in the air in frustration and, referring to herself and her sisters, sighs, "Look, we're not the bad guys, here!" "[Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty] thinkssss you are!" Maggot Neck hissssssssessss by way of ressssponsssse. "Sssshe thinkssss you're ussssing your powerssss only for yoursssselvesssss and not The Greater Good and ssssooner or later, you'll have to be sssstopped." Phoebe, finally beginning to realize that this is all heading towards a very bad resolution, folds her arms across her chest and frosts, "Is that what you think, too?" Before we get to hear the ansssswer to that one, however, Piper bursts through the Hagquarters's door, leading Maggot Neck to sssshriek, "I thought you ssssaid we were alone!" "Hello!" Phoebe duhs. "We were alone, you worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being," she continues, perhaps leaving off that last bit, and I hate it when Phoebe's right and she and I are on the same side of an argument. Shut up, Charmed. Phoebe flusters her way over to Piper's side with, "What are you doing here?" "Wondering what she's doing here," Piper calmly replies, nodding in Maggot Neck's direction. "We were just having a little...chat," Phoebe explains, as Maggot Neck warily backs away from icy Piper and her Mighty Hands Of Discontent. Hee. Blow her the fuck up, Piper! You know you want to. Piper, unfortunately, chooses instead to keep those Mighty Hands Of Discontent behind her back -- the better to conceal the potion she's carrying, you see -- and responds to Phoebe by hooting, "Good! Great! I'm listening." The three stare each other down for a moment, before the off-camera Chrissssty shrills, "Stay away from my sister!" The shot swings around to capture her as she stalks into The Hagquarters proper from the apartment's balcony before cutting back over to Phoebe, who goggles, "Okay, how did you get in?" "The same way we're leaving," Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty retorts, shaking a vial of her own around in the air. As The Ultimate Retard retreats to her sister's side, Phoebe makes one last plea for open communication between the two groups of witches, something Chrissssty assures her will never happen "because there's nothing to talk about." "All right, then!" Piper grits, finally drawing her hands from behind her back and winging that Power of Three vial at Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty's head. Chrissssty squints at the thing as it flips end over end through the air and ends up igniting it with her pyrokinesis. The resulting explosion hurls Piper and Phoebe backwards into a wall. Piper recovers quickly and moves to deploy the Mighty Hands Of Discontent, but Phoebe shouts, "No!" and yanks the Hands aside. "Do you need any more proof?" Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty asks, almost rhetorically at this point, and with that, she smashes her vial of teleportation mojo against the floorboards. Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty and Maggot Neck vanish in the cloud that materializes to envelop them as Piper, pissed, turns to face Phoebe and echo, "Do you?" Phoebe purses her sad little lips before falling into the first commercial break.

Manor, and my, but this is a pointless scene. Mikelle's had the sort of sad and difficult life we've come to expect of the losers The Ever-Useless Elders choose for future Whitelighterdom and, while Sara Downing is playing it all with a sort of wry detachment that is fairly enjoyable to watch, who the hell cares? CANCELLED! Shouldn't the typewriting crackmonkeys be gearing the rapidly dwindling audience up for The Ultimate Battle To End All Ultimate Battles, rather than wasting screen time on tedious storylines we've already seen at least fifty-nine times in the last eight years? Whatever! Long story short, Raige gifts her soon-to-be-dead charge with a little pep-talk until they're interrupted by the arrival of Phoebe and Piper, who burst through the front door in mid-fight. "Why didn't you just freeze them?" Phoebe groans. "Because it wouldn't have worked," Piper needlessly reminds her before lighting into Phoebe for keeping the latter's meeting with The Ultimate Retard a secret from the other Glamorous Idiots. Phoebe castigates Piper for "starting a war" as Mikelle, quickly grokking to the fact that she's simply getting in the way by remaining in the Manor, rises to leave. "A little help?" Raige bleats. Piper distractedly flicks a wrist in Mikelle's direction, halting the soon-to-be-dead charge in her tracks before refocusing her attention on the Feebs and glaring, "There. I froze somebody. Happy?" Well, I'd have been happier had you flicked a wrist when it really mattered, doll, but thanks for the concern. Not. Raige drags her bickering half-sisters into the center parlor for a mini processing summit, the upshot of which is this: Piper insists that the full Power of Three is necessary to stop Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty and Maggot Neck, stupid Phoebe's still not convinced that The Sisters Retard need stopping in the first place, and useless Raige remains on the fence. Raige and Phoebe flee in different directions, leaving Piper alone to brood until the screen flares white yet again to shoot us back over to...

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Charmed

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