...the Manor sun porch, where Simon Maaaaahks's nasal drone drills into my skull as he ambles about, whining something about having grown up on stories of the Halliwells, and I hate him, and he needs to shut up, and the only reason he's here tonight is so that Raige and Darling Henry might prove to those of us still watching this garbage that they do indeed love each other enough after so short a courtship to get married next week, so I'll be ignoring just about everything he does tonight. And I'd "Ooops! Spoiler!" that bit about next week's wedding, but it was all over the goddamned promos with Beethoven's "Ode To Joy" playing in the background, so whatever. What. EVER. By the way, Simon Mocks has apparently presented Phoebe with a scroll detailing his family's history, and she's giddily pleased to note, "Wow. Our families worked together during the Salem witch trials? That is so cool." And by "so cool," the Feebs of course means "such a gutshot to continuity, you pommy little shithead, because Melinda Warren was burned at the stake and her orphaned daughter was forced to flee the town to avoid the same fate, and if that's what you call 'working together,' then you can take your tiresome cliché of an ass and orb it right back to wherever the hell it is you came from, jackhole, before you get us slaughtered, too." In my mind, she means that, at any rate. Simon Mocks also calls the Warren line of witches "a randy bunch," so, you know, he just called them all sluts to their faces (which, okay, kind of awesome, but still) and yet they continue to tolerate his presence in the Manor. Whatever! Long story short, "over forty of the most powerful oracles and soothsayers from around the globe -- plus a wizard or two [who should not exist, because see previous rants]" have told this trashy loser that he and Raige are destined to unite, so he's here to claim his bride. Needless to say, Raige has Issues with this and tells him to get lost. He persists anyway and, upon learning that Darling Henry's a -- as they put it -- "mortal," proceeds to get all snippy and pissy and SHUT UP, YOU TOOL, and Raige finally orbs the hell out of there with the Feebs. Simon Mocks wills himself to Piper's location for some stupid reason or another.
Episode Report Card1163 USERS: B-
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