The Last Temptation Of Christy

Episode Report Card
We Don't Need No Water, Let The Bimbo Retard Burn!

Hell. Kiefer and the Kieferettes wing Flaming Balls Of Death at the Retard's oddly proportioned ass, but she manages to dodge them all by tumbling behind a boulder. She screams for Chrissssty's help, but poor little Chrissssty's looking massively sedated at the moment, so it's up to the Bimbo to try to talk her sister out of it. Which she does, even though it involves abandoning the boulder's cover to emerge into the open and hiss at Chrissssty for thirty seconds, during which not one of the demons present dusts her maggoty ass, because everyone on this show is a fucking moron. Maggot Neck finally manages to get through to Chrissssty, and there follows the worst vanquish I've ever seen on this show, and that's coming from a guy who remembers them all, from the horrid effects of the very first to the miserable insult of the most recent. Chrissssty places her fingertips on her temples to think real hard once more, in the process conjuring a rapidly expanding ball of flame that rises from the center of the chamber towards the ceiling. The Retard then telekinetically redirects fingers of that flame towards each of the demons present, cremating them all despite the fact that she wasn't being very quick about it at all, which means the demons at the end of the flambé line should have squiggled the fuck away before the tongues of fire hit them, but whatever, because CANCELLED! Chrissssty and the Retard embrace before they're caught up in a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls that deposits them...

...back in the nonexistent attic. "Well?" Phoebe opens. "It's over!" bubbles the Retard. Piper and Phoebe exchange A Look that clearly indicates they don't share the Retard's opinion regarding the finality of the matter, but remain silent as we cross-fade into...

...the brief Closing Travelogue that eventually leads us to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, where Raige orbs in with -- at his request, as it turns out -- Darling Henry, who's come to think of it as their place in the weeks since she dropped the bitchcraft bomb. A cutely endearing scene follows, but little, if anything, that they say to each other is of any long-term importance, so let's cut to the chase: Darling Henry gets down on one knee and, producing a small diamond ring from his jacket pocket, asks Raige to be his wife. She agrees, without hesitation. He carefully slides the ring onto her finger before scooping her up in his arms to spin her around for a couple of turns before they settle into a kiss. If I cared at all about this assy show at this point, I'd say that was kind of sweet.

Meanwhile, back at the Manor, Hilton Cooties and NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ANY OF THIS AT ALL. He tries to kiss her because she's inadvertently leading him on because she's apparently incapable of telling him that the Dolt is temporarily overseas on an assignment for his job. She immediately pushes him away and still does not tell him that the Dolt is temporarily overseas on an assignment for his job, but does manage to get rid of him anyway, hopefully for good this time. Though, hell. If they can drag the Triad back from the dead on this goddamned show, what's keeping them from throwing Hilton Cooties into the next seven episodes?

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