Charmed
The Last Temptation Of Christy

Episode Report Card
2 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
We Don't Need No Water, Let The Bimbo Retard Burn!

ANY-way, the Retard hisses, "I'm jusssst glad to have Chrissssty back," thereby managing to befuddle about seven-eighths of this awful show's rapidly dwindling audience, who were all, "She's got her sister back? When the hell did that happen? Did I miss an episode somewhere?" before we all heaved a collective, "Oh, fuck it," and popped open another beer. We then delve into the Retard's Issues Of The Week, which all revolve around the recovered Milk Carton, who hasn't spoken to anyone since her rescue "a couple of days" ago, and who "closed up even more" when the Bimbo suggested they contact their parents, and if Chrissssty's really in such bad shape, I have no idea why the Retard's loitering around the Manor in the middle of the day when she should be at her sister's side back in her enormous dorm room at Berkeley or, more likely given Chrissssty's lengthy captivity, at the hospital in which I'm certain Master's-Degree-in-Psychology Phoebe insisted they place her for evaluation and recuperation after her decade-and-a-half-long ordeal. Unless, of course, Chrissssty's bunking with the Retard in Suicide Boudoir, which she would never be doing, because even Piper's impressive martyrdom complex has its limits, and allowing a mentally damaged kidnap victim with as-yet-unknown magical powers to occupy the bedroom next to her children's nursery? Well, that's never going to happen. In any event, Piper blathers something about the Manor Morons being there for the Retard anytime the latter needs a shoulder to cry on, or whatever, before scooping up her boxes and exiting towards the front door. The Retard taps her nails on the center island for a moment before the camera cuts...

...upstairs, where the lispy Bimbo eases open the door to Suicide Boudoir and, carrying the tray from earlier, hisses, "I brought you ssssome breakfasssst!" and AUAUAUAUUAUUUUUGH how much do I hate this show right now? "Chrissssty?" whispers the Retard, for yes, gentle reader, the Glamorous Idiots are that stupid. They have allowed Maggot Neck to move her traumatized, unstable, and quite possibly dangerous older sister into the Manor. HAAAAAAATE. The Retard scans the room for her dearly beloved recovered Milk Carton and edges forward, eventually finding Chrissssty curled in a ball in the corner behind the bed, weeping quietly to herself with her face buried in her knees. Maggot Neck kneels at her sister's side, assuring her that everything will be all right. Chrissssty lifts her head to stare the Bimbo down, and despite having spent the last fifteen years locked in a dungeon in Hell, Chrissssty has lovely highlights in her hair, perfectly manicured eyebrows, absolutely flawless skin, dazzlingly white teeth, and a manicure to die for, because this show sucks, and they should have cancelled this shit last May, why didn't they cancel this shit last May, and I want to die. In any event, as a couple of tense strings thrum on the soundtrack, Chrissssty shakily murmurs a darkly foreboding, "They're coming!" before vanishing into the opening credits.

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Charmed

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