Charmed
The Last Temptation Of Christy

Episode Report Card
2 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
We Don't Need No Water, Let The Bimbo Retard Burn!

Hell. …Oh, crap. I'd blocked this scene from my memory immediately after my head exploded the first time I saw it. Kiefer and his henchdemon fret about Chrissssty now benefiting from The Charmed Ones' protection, but that's not why my apartment walls were spattered with brain matter at 7:25 last Sunday evening. No, that actually happened because these two also reveal who They -- "the most powerful evil ever known," mind you -- actually are: The Triad. You know, the Triad that hired the Colethazor to take out the Manor Morons at the beginning of Season Three, and the Triad that the Colethazor then slaughtered at the end of "Power Outage" five years ago. That Triad. AUAUAUAUAUUUUUUUAUAUAUUUGH. ANY-way, they're back, much as The Source Of All Evil himself returned this season, I suppose, and Kiefer and the henchdemon agree that being vanquished by the Ps is preferable to the punishment the Triad would mete out were they to learn of Chrissssty's rescue. Nevertheless, Kiefer orders the henchdemon to "prepare the ritual" to summon the undead threesome anyway. "We'll just have to hope they show us mercy," Kiefer breathes. Yeah, can't wait to see how well that works out for you, dumbass.

Manor. Piper, dusted with flour due to cookie preparations, answers the doorbell to find Hilton Cooties once more befouling the front porch, and fuck this shitty subplot, too. You want to know why? Because Hilton Cooties is only in tonight's episode to offer Piper a opportunity to cheat on her hard, icy Doltsicle, which not only would be wildly out of character for her, but also would make no sense whatsoever because she's displayed absolutely zero chemistry with this guy in the past. And on top of that, the only reason Hilton Cooties makes a move on her later in the episode is because she for some reason can't yank a believable lie out of her ass regarding the Dolt's current whereabouts. Here's a helpful little hint, Piper: When the fireman asks you where your husband is, tell him your husband is temporarily on assignment overseas for his job. So, for all of those reasons, I'm not buying this crap and therefore will be ignoring it as much as possible for the rest of the evening. Long story short, Hilton Cooties works with a guy who can repair the Grand Cherokee's taillight, but he has to do it that afternoon. And...scene? Yeah. Scene.

CRAP! Forgot about this, too. Piper's burning cookies actually set off the fire alarm, so she goes to deal with that while Hilton Cooties foolishly approaches The Dead-Eyed Psycho on the sun porch and attempts to make nice. Before The Dead-Eyed Psycho gets a chance to cackle gleefully while bludgeoning Hilton Cooties to death with a Tonka truck, though, Simon Mocks orbs in outside of Hilton Cooties's line of vision. Simon Mocks instantly mistakes Hilton Cooties for Darling Henry, and starts lecturing him on why witches and mortals shouldn't mix, until Raige arrives from above to tell Simon Mocks to go to Hell again, some more, while dragging him into the front hall. Once there, he conjures some roses for her and she does not beat him over the head with said roses, though eventually she shoves him out onto the front porch, slamming the door behind him. Raige then wheels around to run into Piper, encourages her to take Hilton Cooties up on his car repair offer, and bolts. Piper, tensely twisting her fingers around, offers Hilton Cooties a nervous smile.

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Charmed

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