Elsewhere, we get what I have to admit is a nicely integrated effects shot of a 747 soaring above the city before the camera, in one single swoop, pans past the digitally inserted TransAmerica Pyramid to land on J.D. and The Retarded Bimbo standing on one of the Paramount backlot's sidewalks. And that's about the only compliment I have to give this poorly written and executed piece of crap. Especially when what follows is yet more bullshit about J.D. adapting badly to life in the twenty-first century. Police officers on Segway scooters are involved, despite the fact that the City of San Francisco banned the fucking things from city sidewalks three years ago. I want to die. Eventually, J.D. spots the date on a newspaper's banner and races off to...find his father? The hell? Where are you going to find your stupid father after fifty years, you fucking idiot? My God. This stupid, awful, evil show.
Nonexistent Attic. Diper and the Polt are still screaming at each other, and neither Krause nor Combs is doing a particularly good job of imitating the other, so I'll be skipping through this trash as well. Especially because that wicked dream just popped back into my head. Mmmm. Krause. AAAUAUAUUAUGH. And then Phoebe jiggles in, and she's talking about insemination, and why, God, WHYYYYYY? The only thing of relevance is that Diper -- or maybe it's the Polt, and I so do not care either way -- freaks when he/she/it learns that J.D. and The Retard have left the building. Scene.
J.D. comes barreling out of a very modern-looking building -- a very modern-looking building that is, in fact, the out-of-town resort hotel featured in National Lampoon's Doormat Vacation during last season's finale -- to reveal to the loitering Retard that the people inside just informed him his father died a couple of days ago at the age of 93, and where do I begin? First off, way to recycle your fucking exteriors and not even try to hide it, show. Secondly, the out-of-town resort is clearly meant to be a nursing home in tonight's episode, so how did J.D. know to come to this particular care facility when there are two hundred and forty-four such facilities listed in the San Francisco yellow pages? Third, why did I even bother asking that question when I know the answer to that, and any other question I bring up, is always, "Because this show is ass, and I want to die, but before I die, I want to know why was this shit not cancelled last May?" And finally: Fuck you, Charmed. The only other detail of importance in this scene is that J.D.'s father was his last surviving relative. Tuck that bit of information away so that together we can puzzle out Vaklav's motivations for this godawful mess at the end of the episode. Oh, and The Retard finally drops the bitchcraft bomb on J.D.'s head. I guess that's sort of important, too. Not. Yawn.