Out on the Paramount backlot, J.D. bursts through the photography shop's front door and staggers up to the sidewalk just as the camera cuts back inside to reveal that Vaklav's recovered rather quickly from the death pinch. Meanwhile, J.D.'s flung himself heedlessly into the street -- we're just outside "Columbia" "University" again -- and for his trouble gets a faceful of windshield. No, seriously. Some grey Toyota Camry comes out of nowhere to slam into him, and Jay Kenneth Johnson's stunt double goes headfirst into the glass before tumbling around in the air and eventually landing directly on his skull on the asphalt. Youch. An instant crowd of gawkers appears as the driver of the car and a passerby kneel at J.D.'s unconscious, battered, and bloody side. Vaklav, who'd silently joined the others on the sidewalk, orders someone to call 911 before scowling his way into the opening credits.
Manor. Raige, running late for a job interview, barges into the kitchen to ask of Piper, "Can I borrow your car? Mine's running on fumes." "So orb, you dim bitch," Piper does not instantly snot back, though I'm pretty sure everyone in this show's rapidly dwindling audience handled that task for her. No, Piper -- directing what follows more at her Dolt of a husband than at Raige -- instead rather rudely snipes something back about the Grand Cherokee being out of gas as well, and this exchange exists simply to establish that Piper and the Dolt's suddenly appearing and completely asinine issues with their marriage from last week still exist to annoy us all. Phoebe enters at this point sporting a mind-bogglingly fugly long-sleeved button-down knit that's more of a little cape than an actual sweater. It barely grazes the tops of the Fun Bags, for Christ's sake. Ack. Fortunately, the latter are obscured by some sort of shapeless, strapless white top she must have hot-glued directly onto her skin to prevent the thing from dropping to the floor, or something. While I was thus distracted, the Manor Morons had been babbling on about their Issues Of The Week, and I'll be frank, here: None of these subplots are of any interest to me whatsoever, because each and every single one of them is a retread of an Issue we've seen play out in previous episodes. Piper and the Dolt's marital strife? "Siren Song" with the body swapping, "Cat House" with the first attempt at counseling, and "Oh My Goddess Parts One And Two" with the second. Raige's troubled relationship with her genetic father? "Sam I Am." Phoebe's time bomb of a biological clock? Every single fucking episode since she embarked upon that goddamned Vision Quest in "The Legend Of Sleepy Halliwell." Or so it seems. So I think I'll be ignoring most of them tonight. This might be the shortest Charmed recap ever. By the way, apropos of entirely nothing, I had an incredibly disturbing dream last night in which Brian Krause kissed me. And I liked it. Yeah. Chew on that horror story while these tedious fuckwits babble at each other for another five minutes.
Eventually, Phoebe stumbles across something relevant to her uterine issues in the Sports section of that morning's All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and races off. No, I am not kidding with that. Meanwhile, Piper and the Dolt passive-aggressively tangle with each other over a puddle of literally spilt milk until he gives up on all the bullshit non-drama and charges into the dining room. Raige, who's going to be late for that interview of hers at THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES if she doesn't fucking orb over there already, chases after her troubled brother-in-law for a chat. And as the chat involves the suddenly appearing and completely asinine marital strife I've chosen to ignore this evening, I'll be skipping ahead past the point where Raige convinces the Dolt to enter counseling with his vicious shrew of a wife -- again -- to get to the bit where Raige's deadbeat drunk of a genetic father orbs into the foyer from points unknown to barf all over his estranged daughter's Jimmy Choos, promo-style. Oh, I'm sorry. My bad. That was actually a plot point from three years ago. It's also pretty much the only Raige-related plot point from that episode that they didn't recycle for this one. Ass. This show is ass. "It's good to see you," the deadbeat drunk opens. "Sam?" Raige splutters. "Don't you mean 'Dad'?" he replies, genially enough. Yawn.