The Power Of Three Blondes

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 1 USERS: D
Behold The Power Of Sleaze

P3. Ray-Ray flings Holly Marie Combs's stunt double into a rather acrobatic somersault down the gangway, the stunt double's face artfully concealed by a long brown wig. Holly herself pants from the concrete as Ray-Ray slams the door.

North Shore Citrus. The security guard flings Rose McGowan's stunt double into a rather acrobatic cartwheel down the sidewalk, the stunt double's face barely concealed by an ill-fitting auburn wig. Rose herself pants from the concrete as the security guard slams the chain-link gate.

The Fuck Me Tribune. A really hot extra flings Alyssa Milano's stunt double into a rather clumsy tumble through the swinging glass doors, the stunt double's face digitally blurred out because La Milano just had to go and get that fucking dykey haircut over the hiatus. Alyssa herself pants from the carpet as the really hot extra evidently vanishes into thin air, because you really can't slam swinging doors shut. Not even if you're a really hot extra. La Milano then gasps in shock and dismay when she spots Jenny McCarthy's face superimposed atop the Fun Bags on that hateful ASK PHOEBE poster in the hall. La Milano's all, "Bitch! My MOM paid for those implants!"

Manor. The titular blondes have found the Book of Shadows, and frantically riffle through to find the spell they need while perched on the center-parlor sofa. Raige orbs into the hallway behind them with Piper and the Feebs, all three spoiling for a smackdown. The Mimbos hop to their feet, and the six women snipe at each other until the blondes, reading from the Book, recite the following in unison:

Powers of the witches rise,
Course unseen across the skies,
Come to us who call you near,
Come to us and settle here.

During the recitation, Piper attempts to freeze them, but she's lost her abilities by the end of the spell's first line. Bright white fairy lights stream out of the Glamorous Ladies' bodies, traverse the short distance to the center parlor, and settle into the titular blondes. So much for that coursing-unseen stuff, fellas, huh? Even the bright white fairy lights on this show suck. Mange tosses out a hand to freeze the now-powerless Ps. Unfortunately, it's actually a Hand Of Discontent, and it vanquishes a table full of Grams's priceless antiques. The force of the explosion sends Piper flying against the stairwell wall, where she crashes to the floor. There's a quick shot of dyed Caro syrup "oozing" through the leg of her pants before La Milano's stunt double hurtles over the sofa to plant a stiletto in Jennifer Sky's stunt double's stomach. Jennifer Sky's stunt double whips backwards through the air to vanquish a lamp with her derriere. Midge levitates precisely five feet into the air -- heh -- to land a vicious kick on Phoebe's face. Phoebe flies back over the sofa to crumple near Piper's side in the hallway. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Moron swings a wrought-iron lamp at Raige, but Raige instinctively orbs out in place, so the lamp just smashes into the wall. "Hey!" Moron snits. "That was supposed to be my power!" The battered Glamorous Ladies scramble into a huddle, and Raige orbs them out into the commercial break.

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