Anyway, Jennifer asks the others if they "want to be chiselers" the rest of their lives, and asserts that now's the time for them to "think big." This evening's dastardly plan is rather succinctly laid out in the ensuing dialogue: These three "bad" sisters will steal the Book, use it to abscond with the Glamorous Ladies' powers, and then "form [their] own Power of Three." The bleach blonde "actresses" giggle. I think it was supposed to be an evil giggle, but it actually came across as empty-headed. Shocking, I realize, given the caliber of tonight's guest stars. From below, Piper calls, wondering if Phoebe and Raige are in the attic. Jenny, Jennifer, and Melody whip out tiny atomizers -- from their ass cracks, apparently, because none of these ladies is carrying a purse -- and mist Parfum Mojo about their faces and necks. Each woman fades into black and white before blurrily dematerializing.
Piper enters the moment the others have disappeared, clad in a familiarly demure long-sleeved white blouse over flared jeans. She crosses to the abandoned Book on the floor and hoists it over to its stand, suspiciously eyeing the room the entire time. Her last cautious glance accompanies us as we flare up and leap into the opening credits.
And in a cleansing burst of synchronicity, special guest Jenny McCarthy has a new movie premiering this week! What are the odds?
A hyper-speed opening travelogue whisks us through city traffic to dump us on the gangway leading into P3. Down in the deserted bar area, Piper checks in with Tiny Gay Chris's nanny via the cordless. When she hangs up, she warns her new bartender that some band is expected shortly for a sound check, but she'll be back at the Manor, as she wants to be home when Tiny Chris wakes from his nap. "Jack" is all, "I'm on it, Boss Lady." Jack is also all of twelve years old. Seriously. Dude's an infant. I think Tiny Chris actually has a few years on him. The actor, by the way, played a character whose name I don't recognize in that fabulous watery noir, The Deep End. Lukacytes are certain to recognize the title, but I think it rules because of Tilda Swinton's stunning performance as the mom. She was robbed when Oscar time arrived and left with no nomination for her. Trust me on this one. And who'd they give it to instead? Halle Berry? Whatever. You can bet your ass Tilda Swinton would never flee the scene of an accident. Twice.
Anywho, Phoebe bubbles into the bar, togged in a shockingly prim dove-grey top. Well, yeah, the V-neck's plunging down into the middle of the Fun Bags, and it's fairly tight, but it's long-sleeved and otherwise concealing, so it's shockingly prim for her. Phoebe's arrived to take Piper to lunch, but Piper proposes they head to the Manor for some home cooking instead. Phoebe whines that Piper needs some "grown-up time" away from Tiny Gay Chris, which is why they hired the nanny in the first place, right? Piper rolls her eyes, but agrees. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band then kicks in, and she moans orgasmically while eyeing the preadolescent bartender. I fully expect her to announce that Jack wants to do her, so I'm shocked when Phoebe stage-whispers, "Piper! That new bartender guy is checking you out!" Piper incredulously glances over her shoulder at the twelve-year-old, who grins. Piper wigs and stage-whispers back, "Are you telling me that you're feeling what he's feeling for me? That's creepy." Indeed. I'll one-up you and call it inappropriate. And I've just had a sudden, awful premonition we'll be catching some vile girl-on-girl action from the Feebs at some point this season. Let's just hope it's not this evening with Jenny McCarthy, because that? Would send me screaming into the street in the futile hope I'll end up decorating the windshield of a bus. Futile because, of course, there's never a damn bus around when you really need one.