Charmed
The Power Of Three Blondes

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Behold The Power Of Sleaze

Props to Steve Bartman. Not. Douche.

Fade up on the Manor exterior, and -- oh, hell. They've decided to rely on wacky transition shots this evening, apparently in deference to the wacky blondes of the title. The camera lingers for a second on the fa├žade before racing up the stairs from the sidewalk, accompanied by whooshing noises. This should suck. Up in the attic, the three hatefully attired Ps enter gasping and slam shut the door behind them. I already suspect there will be morphing hijinks aplenty this evening, as these outfits are quite simply appalling, even for such notorious repeat offenders as Raige and Phoebe. Raige is squeezed into a pink bustier with ruffly trim over a crotch-grazing denim micro-mini and bare legs, while the Feebs sports gartered fishnets under a black patent pleather skirt and strappy tank, with some sort of bizarre pink sash running from her left Fun Bag down to her waist. Their elder sister's a bit more sedate, but as she's edging into Cell Block territory herself, I think it's safe to assume these are not the real Ps. In fact, I think it's safe to assume these are the titular blondes, and as I already know that said blondes' names all start with M, I'll make this easy on everyone and rename these impostors appropriately. "It's okay," Miper assures the others. "You're going to be okay." "That demon wiped out that whole family of innocents," Moebe protests. "How am I ever going to be okay?" "You'll learn," Miper sagely advises. As they cross to a nearby divan, an overly sibilant Maige asserts, "If that demon is anywhere in that Book, I'll nail hisss sssorry assss." "Oh! Those poor children!" Moebe sighs, collapsing onto the sofa in empathic agony. "They were so scared! I could feel their pain!" I know you're not the real Phoebe, but zip it, git. You don't know what pain is until you watch the Florida fucking Marlins send their entire fucking team around the bases at the top of the goddamned eighth inning. Seriously, what the hell was that? I'll tell you what that was: It was the fucking Cubs fucking choking like they choked in '32 and '45 and '69 and '84 and '89 and '98 and every single fucking season in between. You feel pain? My ass you feel pain. Bitch.

There's some pointless gibbering about Moebe's stupid new power before Miper proposes some "sisterly bonding," offering to fetch some relaxing tea. Well, at least the impostor knows Piper's a drudge. Gotta give her points for that one. Maige vehemently disagrees with the bonding proposal. "Did you sssee that demon?" she squeals. "Did you sssee thossse teeth flying out like razor bladesss?" "We need to kill that demon," Moebe nods, before solemnly adding, "for the children. All six of those children." Miper purses her lips and agrees to "hit the Book now." She strides purposefully over to the stand, then tentatively reaches for the Book of Shadows. The Book instantly flares up and snaps shut. Maige and Moebe wince. Miper reaches again, and this time the Book flares and leaps from its perch to the floor. Miper glares, steps around the stand, tries to fake the Book out by edging towards Maige and Moebe, and then dives for the thing. The Book flares one last time and zips off out of the frame. "I told you it wouldn't work!" Miper bitches from the floorboards.

"It's her fault," Moebe characteristically insists, indicating Maige. "Who ever heard of a demon with flying razor teeth before?" "I'm not the one who made the innocents into the Von Trapp family," Maige snots back. Miper orders them to can it before morphing out into Cleopatra 2525's Jennifer Sky. "We can look like the Charmed Ones," she pouts, "but let's face it -- our acting sucks." Honey, I never watched your other show, but I can tell from that one line that you're speaking truth. "If we want the Book of Shadows," Jennifer continues, "we have to become them. It's time to try my identity theft spell." "No. Way!" Moebe sings, morphing out into the infamous Jenny McCarthy as Maige morphs into, um, a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger, actually. Melody Perkins, to be specific about the whole thing. I gather she was the pink one. "They'll come after us," Jenny duhs. "It's a suicide mission." "And it'sss dangerousss," Melody dimly and breathily warns. Yes, Melody Perkins is fond of her esses. Melody Perkins is also an airhead. Just guessing on the last one. Props to Rose McGowan, in any event, for mocking both traits in her line deliveries up to this point.

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Charmed

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