The Three Faces Of Phoebe

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | Grade It Now!
Phoeby! Phoebi! Phoebé!

Meanwhile, up in the attic, Phoebe scrawls "Should I MaRRy Cole?" on a slip of blue paper. She folds, spindles, and otherwise mutilates the slip, sets it on fire, and recites the following:

My love is strong, my spirit weak,
It is an answer that I seek;
A question burns within this fire,
So I may hear my heart's desire.

Phoebe drops the burning paper into a copper bowl as Piper, Raige, and the Dolt enter, calling her name. A dusty grey double whirlwind appears in the room, silencing all four of the attic's occupants for the moment. Eighty-four-year-old character actress Frances Bay materializes in the dust, along with a preadolescent girl in a navy-and-lavender-striped rugby shirt. "What's going on?" Frances barks. "How did I get here?" "That's an excellent question," Piper replies. "God!" Frances snits, glaring at Feebs. "What have you done?" Feebs backs cautiously away from Frances, stuttering, "Who are you?" "What's the matter? Don't you recognize me?" Frances responds, shaking her finger in Phoebe's face. "I'm you -- Phoebe." The kid advances nervously, admitting that her name is Phoebe as well. Piper and the Dolt rest their lower jaws on the floor. Raige raises her eyebrows and puckers her lips in delight. Phoebe goggles as The Flatulent Oboe Of Comedic Hijinks tootles us out to commercial.

Back from the break, the preadolescent Phoebe impresses no one with her "acting" "skills." She whines something about not knowing who all these adults are and what they're doing in her house, then tries to climb out the attic window. Several people on the forums have noted that this mad dash into mid-air is a depressingly early sign of Phoebe's utter stupidity, and while I would love to agree, I'm forced to remind them of the trellis that runs up the side of the house. And while my attention is wandering from the scene at hand, let's settle on some names for the various Phoebes, shall we? Elder Phoebe shall be "Phrances," Current Phoebe will be "Phoebe" (or "Feebs," should the situation warrant it), and Tiny Phoebe will be "Whiny Little Talent-Phree Bitch." Kidding about that last one. How does "Phoebette" sound? I'm just asking to be polite. This isn't a democracy, you know. So, Phoebe yanks Phoebette from the windowsill and tries to have her believe she's "dreaming." Piper finds this as asinine as I do, which is why Piper is my Charmed girlfriend. Phoebette's not buying it either. "I'm ten," simpers she. "I'm not stupid." Phoebette then flees the attic, screeching "Grams!" in a high-pitched yowl. "Wow," Piper notes as she claps her hands over her ears. "I did not miss that." Cole walks into the attic as Phoebette races out. He glances briefly at the child as if wondering if he should push her down the stairs. Unfortunately, he decides that would be more trouble than it's worth, and continues crossing to Phoebe. Cole's looking ten kinds of malarial at the moment, yet no one comments on his wasted appearance. Phrances gasps, "Cole?" Cole's all, "Who are you?" Phrances sneers, "Maybe this will refresh your memory, you bastard," and decks Cole in the face. Piper, Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt gape a bit before the Dolt suggests that they figure out where Phoebette's hidden herself. Piper orders Raige to research Kurzon in the BoS, instructs Phoebe to work things out with Phrances posthaste, and exits with the Dolt.

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