Charmed
The Torn Identity

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
The Short And Unhappy Marriage Of Raige Matthews-Mitchell

Previously on CANCELLED!...ooops! My tape cut off the previouslys. However, I'm pretty sure it wassss raining outsssside the night the Retard'ssss ssssisssster wassss taken. I'm also fairly certain Raige wed Darling Henry, Stoop introduced himself to the Feebs, The Angel Of Teasley tossed a gigantic Doltsicle into her great big Sub-Zero in the sky, Noxon demons can't be vanquished, Ma and Pa Retard got whacked in their hotel room, and Openly Evil Chrissssty thrust her fist and forearm through Candor's chest at Not!warts.

Currently on CANCELLED!, we fade up on the brilliantly sunlit quad of a university I suppose I should recognize from its bell tower, which is a fairish replica of the one that famously collapsed in Venice, but I don't recognize it, and I really can't be bothered to look it up at so late a stage in the game. (Except, of course, for the part where I just did, and now I'm positively florid with disgust. The Ultimate Retard matriculates at Berkeley? GOD, I hate this fucking show.) We cross-fade to the low, vaguely Gothic façade of one of the dormitories before heading inside to find The Ultimate Retard and Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty returning to the former's obnoxiously enormous single from their parents' joint funeral somewhere in The Flyover. If I cared about The Ultimate Retard or Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty at all, I'd likely call bullshit on this entire exercise because, as their parents' only heirs, they'd be stuck in The Flyover dealing with the estate for the next three months at the very least and so should not be befouling my television screen at the moment, but I don't care about The Ultimate Retard or Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty at all, so whatever. CANCELLED! Maggot Neck and Chrissssty enter to perch on the bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Long story short, Chrissssty blames Piper for their parents' untimely demise for, as her reasoning goes, had Piper not called Maggot Neck back to the Manor, The Ultimate Retard would have been able to protect Ma and Pa from the Noxons' attack. Or something like that. Just know that Chrissssty's efforts to separate her sister from the Glamorous Idiots begins in this scene, and let's make like Chrissssty herself and get the hell away from The Ultimate Retard by slipping through the doorway and disappearing into a flash of white that whisks us over to...

...Not!warts. Creo, who evidently appeared in a fairly crappy episode I didn't watch because I was on vacation (thanks again, Keckler!), stands in the center of the Library, lecturing a quintet of black-clad underlings on the difficulties they're likely to endure in their search for the remaining Noxon demon, who's vanished somewhere into the Underworld. One snotty, slouching, sneering henchdemon questions Creo's authority on the matter, especially considering the fact that he's still following orders issued by the now-dead Triad. Creo responds to this insubordination by flipping a Flaming Ball Of Death into Snotrag's chest, and Snotrag go boom. "What's going on?" Openly Evil Chrissssty demands as she strides into the Library from the hallway beyond. "Is there a problem?" "No," Creo assures her before amending that statement with, "not anymore." He ambles over to her and somberly and sincerely intones, "We're here to help." Openly Evil Chrissssty gives him the hairy eyeball for a moment and decides she can trust him for now before smirking her way into the opening credits. Was that supposed to be a DUN!? This stupid show. We already know she's evil, so discovering she has her own little matching set of henchthugs is not a surprise, assholes. By the way, was that the first time this show's made it through the pre-credits sequence without an appearance by a single one of the women it's supposedly about? Whatever! CANCELLED!

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Charmed

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