Charmed
The Witch Is Back

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"What's a zoo?"

Prue edges towards the shattered window in time to see Fabio land upright and unharmed in the middle of an outdoor cafe on the sidewalk fifteen floors below. Various day players in business suits goggle at him as he strides through the tables. Fabio whisks a cruller from a diner's plate before disappearing down the street. Above, the camera tracks in towards Prue as she gapes and we slide into the opening credits.

And we're back. A twee, trilling ovary covers a Phil Collins masterpiece as we reel through the opening travelogue. Over at Buckland's, the outdoor café has been encircled with police tape as the goggly day players jaw and gesticulate amongst themselves. Eventually, we land on Andy and Darryl interviewing a particularly obnoxious businessman regarding Fabio's unusual appearance. Why is the businessman obnoxious? Because he says he "was just sittin' there, readin' the sports page, drinkin' a cup of joe." Die, fucker. Darryl, needless to say, finds it hard to believe that Fabio would survive a twelve-story drop from the shattered window above unscathed. Andy, in Mulder mode, draws Darryl aside for a private chat. Andy has no problem believing that wacky Wiccan hijinks are afoot, because, he points out, Fabio dropped into the café from Prue's office. Andy strides purposefully towards Buckland's entrance as Darryl sighs and rolls his eyes. I am so with you, my brother.

Manor. Up in the kitchen, Piper babbles flirtatiously about crab cakes as the Dolt works on the kitchen sink and Phoebe shoots her sister the old stink-eye from behind the newspaper. Blah blah blah crabcakes, if you will. There's some tedious business involving some sort of wrench attachment and Piper's ignorance thereof before Phoebe physically drags Piper into the dining room. "Ask him out already!" Phoebe hisses. "Give him some of your crab!" Lovely. Piper's nervous that the Dolt will say no, because Piper's never invited a gentleman on a date before. Phoebe's incredulous. "Am I the only person in this family who's inherited the 'Take The Chance' gene?" she asks. No, Phoebe. You're the only person in the family who's a slut. There's a difference. Phoebe opines that it's about time Piper started making the first move. Piper clenches and heads back into the kitchen. Once there, she whips out the Donna Reed and offers the Dolt some iced tea. He accepts gratefully. Piper retrieves the pitcher from the refrigerator and sets it on the counter next to the Feebs, who immediately biffs it towards the floor with her elbow. Piper panics and flings out her hands, freezing both the cascading iced tea and the Dolt. You know, I've always wondered how she could freeze the Dolt, yet could never freeze her sisters. I also know I'm never going to get a reasonable explanation, so I should just learn to live with my withering disappointment, right? So, there's a bit of manic mugging as Piper scrambles for a bucket to catch the tea and Phoebe does not apologize for spilling it in the first place, followed by Prue storming into the room just as the freeze wears off. "We are in serious trouble," Prue blares. She pulls herself up short when she spots the Dolt beneath the sink, fixes a false smile on her face, and orders a meeting upstairs in the attic. The Ps dart out of the room as the Dolt obliviously bangs away on his pipe. Oh, not like that. Ew.

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Charmed

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