The Witch Is Back

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | Grade It Now!
"What's a zoo?"

Manor. Up in the attic, Melinda marvels at the current size of the Book of Shadows, revealing what we already know about the thing -- specifically, "each generation of Warren witches" adds to it as it sees fit. This is news to the gals, but whatever. Melinda flips through a couple of pages and hoots when she stumbles across the instructions for the Fabio vanquish. Prue hands her a slip of paper and a pencil. "No ink?" Melinda asks. No. No ink, because it's a fucking pencil, you moron. Piper notices a spell "to increase patience" that she supposes Grams wrote to deal with the wee Ps. Phoebe doofs something about how they were all little hellions when they were younger. Piper and Prue immediately turn on her. Heh. "You were the troublemaker," Prue spits. Phoebe splutters. "A pain," Piper adds. "A free spirit," Phoebe counters. "A handful," Piper sneers. "A flibbertigibbet, a will-o-the-wisp, a CLOWN!" I shriek at my much-abused television. "A Warren," Melinda finishes. I like my contribution more. Melinda continues that all Warren witches get "short tempers, great cheekbones, the strong will, and of course the powers" as part of their birthright. "Great cheekbones"? You don't know what plumbing is -- you don't know how to use a fucking pencil -- but you can toss off "great cheekbones" in conversation? Shut up, Melinda. Shut up a lot. Blah sisterhood blah Wicca blah BoS blah heritage blah whatever. Melinda finishes copying the vanquish, and the four women head downstairs.

Over at Buckland's, Hannah and the Wimp display surveillance photos of each P to Fabio, who makes some tedious remark about how he "cannot feel the brush strokes" on these "marvelous paintings." Shut it, asshole. And get a haircut while you're at it. Pasty-faced, manky-haired dork. The Wimp sends Fabio and Hannah off to [72virg=ins] to steal Piper's power.

Manor kitchen. Piper prepares some of the vanquish ingredients while Melinda gives poor Feebs a pep talk about how valuable a passive power such as hers can be. Prue, meanwhile, stands guard at the window, waiting for Andy to return to the Manor with a warrant for her arrest. Eventually, they run down Melinda's list for the missing ingredients. Piper can swipe the errant herbs and whatnot from [72virg=ins], but Phoebe notices that there's one ingredient they might not be able to find: A feather from a spotted owl. Why can't they get it? Because spotted owls are now on the endangered species list. And here's where my brain shot right out of my ear, leading to an extended stay at a lovely sanitarium near Lake Geneva for a couple of weeks. Fucking Melinda wouldn't have used a feather from the goddamned endangered spotted owl because fucking Melinda lived in Massa-fucking-chusetts and the goddamned endangered fucking owl is indigenous to the Pacific. FUCKING. Northwest. Arrrggghauuughuaaaghghah. Phoebe suggests that they try a zoo. Melinda: "What's a zoo?" AAAAUAUUAUUUGH! Prue finally steps in to halt all of this bullshit by announcing that she'll take care of the goddamned feather. Phoebe offers to accompany Piper to [72virg=ins], and the ladies break.

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