Charmed
There's Something About Leo

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There's Something About The Dolt

...the scene now unfolds in an entirely different manner, which I will not be careful in recapping, because I hate it when TV shows push The Great Big Reset Button In The Sky. No, seriously. HATE. The two banter playfully for a bit, which is completely out of character for Piper as she was half an hour ago, so yeah. Ignoring this. As the Dolt knows where Kevin 'n' Brad are next going to attack, he instructs Piper to bottle up the potions, and we cut down to...

...the dining room, where Piper stands at the Dolt's side, with those bottles at the ready. Soon enough, Hot Brad and the henchhotties flare onto the sun porch, only this time around, Hot Brad is shocked to find a couple of the Manor Morons waiting for him. Piper and the Dolt quickly dispatch the trio, and the sneaky Dolt then ambles around the corner to spork Hot Kevin the second he himself materializes. "All right!" the Dolt perks. "Now all we have to do is deal with the other gang, and we can bring the innocent back." Piper gapes. "I give up," she admits. "How did you figure all this out?" "You don't want to know," the devious Dolt smiles with lies twinkling in his eyes. "Believe me."

God! A closing travelogue? This is THE LONGEST EPISODE EVER! Rrrrrgh. Anyway, day melts into blah blah wah and we end up on the roof of Straight Estates, where Raige and Secretly INSANE Brody canoodle over a late dinner. And...that's about it, really. I mean, yeah, we find out that Secretly INSANE Brody is a great cook, and Raige certainly looks fetching in that crimson silk top of hers, and Secretly INSANE Brody lies when Raige asks if he's hiding anything from her, and I am sort of wondering who hired the Queer Eye guys to do up Straight Estates' roof like that, but you know what? I'm pushing ten thousand words already, here. This needs to end. Now.

But no! IT DRAGS ON! AUUUUGH! Back in the Manor, Piper watches the dead-eyed Psycho and poor, neglected, and doomed Tiny Gay Chris sleep for a very long while until the Dolt tiptoes up behind her. They whisper about the secret he's been keeping from her, with the Dolt expressing his regret that he can't tell her exactly what's going on while assuring her that when she does find out about it, she'll be okay with it all. "Oh, yeah? How do you know?" she challenges with the hint of a playful smile crossing her lips. "I know you," he beams at her. Shut up, Dolt. No, seriously, shut up, because this episode should have ended, like, three hours ago. They gaze at each other fondly as the shot cuts to a low-angle from across the nursery that includes the kids' beds before we finally -- at long last -- fade to black.

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Charmed

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